Struggle

If you don't have boys, then it may be hard for you to understand this post. My son has recently gotten into Transformers. His uncle loves them and has ignited the same passion in my son. Now with this true passion for these toys, also comes great frustration. You see, Cam is just not quite old enough to quickly figure out how to transform them. One morning I hear him grunting and throwing things in his room. As I walk down the hall, the new Transformer comes flying out the door. I pick it up and stand in the doorway of his room. "You need some help buddy?" ... I would love to just show you one thing...Just let me show you,let me help you. "No!" was all that I got. He did not even look up at me. So, I stood there, watching him struggle. "I can help, Cam, if you want me to..." Again, not even a glance up my way, just the flat "No!" As I looked at him struggling with every bone in his body, but still wanting to do it all by himself, I was hurt...I just wanted to help him. I know that he can do it, but he would not have to struggle so much if I helped him, doesn't he know that. Doesn't he trust that I am only trying to make it easier on him. I don't want to do it all for him, I just want to do it with him, to help him. And then it happened, I was immediately struck with how our Lord must feel as He watches us. How He must yearn and desire to help us, to walk with us. How hurt must He be when we do not even glance his direction....when we do not even acknowledge that He wants to help....when we shake our head and say..."No, no Lord, I've got this one. I'm good, I don't need you" ...or maybe when we do not answer Him at all. He sees us struggle and strain through all the mountains and valleys that we walk through. He doesn't want us to do that alone. He wants to be there with us.

Upstream

Joshua 3:14-17 So when the people broke camp to cross the Jordan, the priests carrying the ark of the covenant went ahead of them. Now the Jordan is at flood stage all during harvest. Yet as soon as the priests who carried the ark reached the Jordan and their feet touched the water's edge, the water from upstream stopped flowing. It piled up in a heap a great distance away, at a town called Adam in the vicinity of Zarethan, while the water flowing down to the Sea of the Arabah (the Salt Sea [a] ) was completely cut off. So the people crossed over opposite Jericho. The priests who carried the ark of the covenant of the LORD stood firm on dry ground in the middle of the Jordan, while all Israel passed by until the whole nation had completed the crossing on dry ground.
I was in bible study this week and our leader brought up this passage. It really hit me for some reason. The priests had to take that step of faith. They had to trust that the Lord was working on things upstream. That is a really hard thing to do. I am not even sure that my little pinky toe would touch that water. They had the entire nation of Israel watching from the shore and they had to take that step of faith in front of all of them. How easy do you think that was? How easy is it for you? Do you trust that the Lord is working upstream for you?...that He has it all covered for you?...that when you take that step He will be there to make it all work out? I have to admit that this is something that I deeply struggle with. It is hard to just blindly trust that the Lord has got it covered. I can't see Him working upstream. I only see the water in front of me.

To be or not to be?

I was at bible study this morning and we got into a discussion about testing and proving the Lord's will. How do we know what the Lord's will is? Is there a Cosmo test that we can take to tell us when we have the "perfect 10" relationship with the Lord or is it more of a feeling...Me and God, we are just so there with each other... I have to say that I don't see the Lord as our dictator, our Dr.Evil type that will suddenly open the trap door to the crocodiles if we pick the wrong choice and ...agh! down we go (please tell me that someone other than me has seen Austin Powers)! It might be nice to think we have a techno savvy God that will send us a supernatural email with the answer to all our questions, although I am not sure that is how He really works. Maybe I look for more of the Lightening bolt with a Post-it note on it...Pick Choice B Wini Love Ya-the Big Man. Wouldn't that be so nice? So, how does God tell us His will for our lives?
"Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart" (Ps. 37:4). Augustine said, "Love God and do as you please." Because if you're really loving God, you want to do what pleases him. - Randy Alcorn
For me, the jury is still out on what I really think about finding the True will of God, but... I do think that if we are in relationship with God and walk with Him daily...we will know. At least the decisions that matter. I don't really think that the Lord worries about what kind of MiniVan we buy or whether it is black or white. I think He cares much more about our Soul and whether we are in fellowship with Him, you know, giving our heart to Him daily. Cause if we are doing that, the obedience will just come, we will not have to wait on a PostIt Note.

Sharpening

So, I have to say that I have always said that I want to be in community. I want the love, the growth, the depth, the authentic relationships that come with this type of Life-doing. I would also say that I have truly opened myself up to this type of community with my closest friends, but something happened tonight that I have to say stopped me in my tracks. I was pushed. My thoughts were challenged. I was pressed to be real and honest and it was....uncomfortable, hard, maybe even frustrating. I struggled and groaned at the thought of how to answer, much less give the answer that I knew was right. I was trying to ask for the check so to speak....OK I know that we are friends, but there are certain things that you just don't press on...What you are asking me is hard and I am not sure what to say. Now, most friends would have left the awkwardness, the uncomfortable situation and just turned the other way...but not these friends, and guess why. They truly care for me and we exist together in true community. I experienced tonight true friendship where I was challenged in love without judgement. I am sure that this is what Christ meant when He said, As iron sharpens iron... I felt sharpened tonight and not to say that it felt good and comfortable the whole time. But, I am growing because of it. Thank you my friends, I love that we are in community together and pray that the Lord keeps us on the same journey for long time.

I see a Change

Something happened to me tonight that I will never forget. I was having a really hard day. Everyone in my family is sick (except me). I mean, it is so bad that I am almost wishing that I was sick just so I can get in bed, pull the covers over my head...you get the idea. I needed a break...big time. I am taking care of it all and I am done. Even Target at this point would have been a welcome break...anything would have worked. I was grasping for straws. Well, at this point, my two oldest decide that it would be a great day to pull all the punches out on Mom. Let's push her over the edge..HeHeHe...(this is what I envision they talk about in their room:o) I mean, it has been awhile since we have really sent her over the edge, she has not totally lost it lately...and so the evil plan was hatched and proceeded with during the rest of my Sunday. Well, it was bad, let's just leave it at that. But, with the Lord's help, I was able to keep my cool for the most part. What?, you say, I know it was a miracle straight from heaven! I made it through that entire day from Hell (I am so not kidding) and only lost it once. I was getting the older girls ready for bed and really felt the Lord telling me to talk out the day with them. I needed to make sure that we were still on the up and up, you know, make sure that our relationship had not been damaged by the one "loosing it" time. I sat down with them and we talked...I mean, really talked. We talked about how much I love them and how much the Lord loves them, and I asked for their forgiveness and they asked me to forgive them too.....it was awesome, beautiful, perfect, inspiring, emotional, healing...what else can I say...it was great! As my hubby and I walked downstairs after the final tuck-in to bed, he said the most beautiful words I have ever heard come from his precious lips... "I see a change in you. God is working in your life and I can see it."
I was speechless (hard to imagine I know). I don't think that any words could have sounded any better at that time in my world. It made me think of my Lord and how he is working the clay of my life...breaking, molding and turning that potters wheel to make me more like him. Thank you Lord, for placing me on your potter's wheel and for loving me so much that you waited until just the perfect time to start my process of molding.
Yet, O LORD, you are our Father. We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand. Isaiah 64:8

Grace Special - Today only!

We have a one day special just for you today. Grace only for what you are going through right this minute. There are no future installments. This is not a payment plan. God does not work in the Rooms to Go world where you get all the grace you need up front and then pay for it starting in 2011. Ok, Ok I know that this sounds totally cooky and weird, but isn't this what we expect from the Lord. Lord, give me grace to deal with what I am worried is going to happen in five years. What I am going to do when my girls are teenagers? What if my husband looses his job? What I am going to do when I get old and can't afford that cute tummy tuck? What if my kids don't come to know you? I want you to help me with these things, Lord! Are you there Lord? God doesn't give us our year's (or even month's) ration of grace and peace right now and then expect us to dole it out where it is needed over the next 30 days. He is right there with us, walking in our daily (sometimes hourly) life. We have what we need to take the next step and that is all we are promised. I often think about a friend of mine that had her first baby, only to have him pass away after only two months. How did she deal with it? How did she make it and just get out of bed every day? She did with the Lord. He was there and he brought all the grace and peace that she needed with him. I bet she got more on that day than I did. We each get our portion. He did not give her all that grace one morning and then said, OK, there you go, you just walk through life and whenever you need it, it is there. No, He is there to envelope you in love and grace just when you need it and then (imagine this) help you give out the same grace to others when they need to be the one on the receiving end.

What emails?

So, while I am at the retreat, my dad called me and I am just so excited about it. He was driving through town and wanted to see if we could get something to eat. And lucky me...I...wasn't in town?!? What the hell? I was in the mountains!
I walk into my room and see a missed call (what is with me and missing calls?) I thought that Terry had called to tell me something about the kids or to just tell me what a wonderful, beautiful woman I am (right?!). Instead was a message from Jim, my dad. I had to call him back to tell him how great it was to hear from him. While I was talking to him (he was still on the road) he asked if I had gotten any of his emails... what?...emails? Umm...No, I said. I have not seen any. He then continued to tell me about how he has emailed me a "number of times and at Christmas". I felt horrible. I mean, I know that it was not my fault, it was no ones fault, but I felt bad about it. You know the feeling that I am talking about. The one where you think...if only...(you fill in the blank). Well, that is all I could think...if only I was at home, if only I had gotten one email... if only I had mailed that note to him that I have been trying to finish for over a month now...you get the idea :o). I quickly regroup to tell him that I hated to have not gotten the emails, but that I would email him as soon as I got back in town so that he would have the right address. We laughed about it (I was laughing with my dad...Cool!) and he said that he would be in my area again in the next month or so and we would have to get together. Then, it happened... He said something that I will never forget. He said that he just could not stop thinking about me. Now that he has met me, he is just having a hard time not thinking about me and wanting to be with me. What?!? I was speechless (and crying might I add). I tried to mutter something like me too, but I am not sure if anything actually came out. He cleared his throat and then said that He needed to run and he was gone. All I could think of was...I am important to him. He wants to see me, wants to talk to me. I can't believe it. After all these years, he is reaching out to hold my hand, and guess what, I want to grab hold of it, finally!

Free!

I have just returned from the Southbrook Women's retreat that was up in the NC mountains. It was a true moutain top experience for me. I went up to try and be still long enough to hear the Lord speak....and guess what, He showed up...Big Time! If you have been reading my blog, you know a little about what I have been through and what the Lord is taking me through right now. I have a hard past and a ton of pain that I have carried for a long time. Sometimes, I have even let the Lord carry it for me, but somehow (for what ever reason) I would always take it back...it was just who I was...what I was about. BUT (and that is a big BUT) the Lord chose this weekend to ask for it back. He spoke loud and clear..."IT IS TIME, Wini!" I realized that I have been defining myself by my past. Wini is...the pain, the hurt, the dissappointment, the mistakes, the sin (mine and others), the guilt, the secrets, the bad decisions...all of it...that is who I am. BUT (there it is again) the Lord said "NO! Wini that is not who you are! You need to look at yourself through my eyes. How I see you, what I want for you, what I want you to do for me!" I pleaded with the Lord to stop...I can't be those things...don't you see what I have come from...are you really looking at me? As I plead with Him to take a closer look, He only knelt down beside me and took the KEY from his pocket and gently unlocked the chains and burdens that I had been carrying for all those years. Then the soft whisper to my heart "You are Free, my love, Free!". The tears came so quickly after that and of course turned into sobs...could this be true? Am I truly free of all the pain... The last day of the retreat, they asked if there was anyone that wanted to stand and give a tesimony to what the Lord had done this weekend. Oh, Lord, I really don't want to stand up...These ladies don't need to know all my stuff. You have to, He said. So, I stood and began to share my heart and how it had been buried under years of pain and hurt and how I had defined myself by my past. The Lord had told me that it was time for this to be finished...the pain was done and I was no longer a slave to it. He is taking me on a journey and I am not sure what it is going to look like, but I know that He wants to teach me, show me who I am in HIM. What He wants from me....what He has purposed for me. Romans 3:24 was my verse for the weekend and He has given me that Freedom to be what He wants. I am not sure Who that is or what my journey is going to look like, but (there's another one) I know one thing: I am FREE!

Not so sure?

Ok everyone, hold on to your seats...I finally told my mom about meeting my dad for the first time. Yes, I am still alive and well...in fact that's what is freaking me out right now. My mother, the queen of FreakOut land actually took the news really well. She did not yell, scream, cry, wail, or take small children as hostage. She was fine with it. She actually said, "Well, Wini, I knew that this was going to happen one day and I guess that today is the day."... Are you serious?...I mean, really...Are you just luring me in with sweetness dripping with understanding so that you can then hurt me with your assumptions and "advice"? I am not sure how to take this newest act of my mother. I have to say that it just doesn't follow the rest of the play that she has been playing a part in...I mean, this is a whole new stage, new writer, new director...new everything! Who is this woman? I must admit that after she left my house and I had time to think about our conversation...I questioned my own sanity. Am I losing it? Maybe she is just trying to be nice?? I cried out to the Lord...What are you doing? It is easier when she is not nice! I don't know how to file this....where does it go? Maybe in the "not so sure" file or the "BS" file or perhaps the "don't really trust" file (that one is pretty full though). Lord, I don't know how to react to this, whether to trust it or not. Lord, how do I enjoy it when you work things out for good? I'm not so sure...

Pixie Dust Prescription

Is it possible that just a little pixie dust can cover a multitude of childhood issues? I am here to tell you that it can! There was such a healing of my heart while we were at Disney. I never had the chance to go on any trips with my dad, or as a family. There was no such thing as a vacation in my family. I went with my mom and step-dad and little sister when I was in my teens years (not a great time to go on your first trip to Disney) and I was not excited to be there. Of course, I have to admit that I was not excited to be anywhere with my mom and step-dad at that time in my life (and when did that change exactly? oh, never mind). All that being said, it was healing to be in a place where families are celebrated and I got to celebrate my family (surprizing, huh?). I got to spend great time with my kids and it was fun. I got to enjoy it all with Terry by my side. There are just so many bad memories from times with my family, but here I was in Disney doing it different, really having some great memories with my kids and with Terry. I was finally doing something different from my mom! It would just hit me at weird times while we were in the park....riding the Dumbo ride, twirling in the teacups, dancing with the princesses, or fighting Peter Pan....we are a real family and we are in this thing, this life together.