What emails?

So, while I am at the retreat, my dad called me and I am just so excited about it. He was driving through town and wanted to see if we could get something to eat. And lucky me...I...wasn't in town?!? What the hell? I was in the mountains!
I walk into my room and see a missed call (what is with me and missing calls?) I thought that Terry had called to tell me something about the kids or to just tell me what a wonderful, beautiful woman I am (right?!). Instead was a message from Jim, my dad. I had to call him back to tell him how great it was to hear from him. While I was talking to him (he was still on the road) he asked if I had gotten any of his emails... what?...emails? Umm...No, I said. I have not seen any. He then continued to tell me about how he has emailed me a "number of times and at Christmas". I felt horrible. I mean, I know that it was not my fault, it was no ones fault, but I felt bad about it. You know the feeling that I am talking about. The one where you think...if only...(you fill in the blank). Well, that is all I could think...if only I was at home, if only I had gotten one email... if only I had mailed that note to him that I have been trying to finish for over a month now...you get the idea :o). I quickly regroup to tell him that I hated to have not gotten the emails, but that I would email him as soon as I got back in town so that he would have the right address. We laughed about it (I was laughing with my dad...Cool!) and he said that he would be in my area again in the next month or so and we would have to get together. Then, it happened... He said something that I will never forget. He said that he just could not stop thinking about me. Now that he has met me, he is just having a hard time not thinking about me and wanting to be with me. What?!? I was speechless (and crying might I add). I tried to mutter something like me too, but I am not sure if anything actually came out. He cleared his throat and then said that He needed to run and he was gone. All I could think of was...I am important to him. He wants to see me, wants to talk to me. I can't believe it. After all these years, he is reaching out to hold my hand, and guess what, I want to grab hold of it, finally!

Free!

I have just returned from the Southbrook Women's retreat that was up in the NC mountains. It was a true moutain top experience for me. I went up to try and be still long enough to hear the Lord speak....and guess what, He showed up...Big Time! If you have been reading my blog, you know a little about what I have been through and what the Lord is taking me through right now. I have a hard past and a ton of pain that I have carried for a long time. Sometimes, I have even let the Lord carry it for me, but somehow (for what ever reason) I would always take it back...it was just who I was...what I was about. BUT (and that is a big BUT) the Lord chose this weekend to ask for it back. He spoke loud and clear..."IT IS TIME, Wini!" I realized that I have been defining myself by my past. Wini is...the pain, the hurt, the dissappointment, the mistakes, the sin (mine and others), the guilt, the secrets, the bad decisions...all of it...that is who I am. BUT (there it is again) the Lord said "NO! Wini that is not who you are! You need to look at yourself through my eyes. How I see you, what I want for you, what I want you to do for me!" I pleaded with the Lord to stop...I can't be those things...don't you see what I have come from...are you really looking at me? As I plead with Him to take a closer look, He only knelt down beside me and took the KEY from his pocket and gently unlocked the chains and burdens that I had been carrying for all those years. Then the soft whisper to my heart "You are Free, my love, Free!". The tears came so quickly after that and of course turned into sobs...could this be true? Am I truly free of all the pain... The last day of the retreat, they asked if there was anyone that wanted to stand and give a tesimony to what the Lord had done this weekend. Oh, Lord, I really don't want to stand up...These ladies don't need to know all my stuff. You have to, He said. So, I stood and began to share my heart and how it had been buried under years of pain and hurt and how I had defined myself by my past. The Lord had told me that it was time for this to be finished...the pain was done and I was no longer a slave to it. He is taking me on a journey and I am not sure what it is going to look like, but I know that He wants to teach me, show me who I am in HIM. What He wants from me....what He has purposed for me. Romans 3:24 was my verse for the weekend and He has given me that Freedom to be what He wants. I am not sure Who that is or what my journey is going to look like, but (there's another one) I know one thing: I am FREE!

Not so sure?

Ok everyone, hold on to your seats...I finally told my mom about meeting my dad for the first time. Yes, I am still alive and well...in fact that's what is freaking me out right now. My mother, the queen of FreakOut land actually took the news really well. She did not yell, scream, cry, wail, or take small children as hostage. She was fine with it. She actually said, "Well, Wini, I knew that this was going to happen one day and I guess that today is the day."... Are you serious?...I mean, really...Are you just luring me in with sweetness dripping with understanding so that you can then hurt me with your assumptions and "advice"? I am not sure how to take this newest act of my mother. I have to say that it just doesn't follow the rest of the play that she has been playing a part in...I mean, this is a whole new stage, new writer, new director...new everything! Who is this woman? I must admit that after she left my house and I had time to think about our conversation...I questioned my own sanity. Am I losing it? Maybe she is just trying to be nice?? I cried out to the Lord...What are you doing? It is easier when she is not nice! I don't know how to file this....where does it go? Maybe in the "not so sure" file or the "BS" file or perhaps the "don't really trust" file (that one is pretty full though). Lord, I don't know how to react to this, whether to trust it or not. Lord, how do I enjoy it when you work things out for good? I'm not so sure...