Burnin'

These are the words to a song by Nicole Nordeman that is just right with my soul right now:

Started rubbing sticks together
I thought a spark would take forever
I never dreamt this fire would appear

When Moses saw the Bush in flames
And heard the branches speak his name
I wonder if he felt this kind of fear

'Cause I'm burnin'
Yeah, I'm burnin'
And I know I'm gonna blister in these flames
So I'll stay here
'Till this smoke clears
And I'll find you in the ashes that remain

Used to be that I could say
My faith was one arm's length away
From any flame that ever felt too warm

Asked for matches, but I received
A gallon full of gasoline
Now my cozy campfire days are gone

'Cause I'm burnin'
Yeah I'm burnin'
And I know I'm gonna blister in these flames
So I'll stay here
'Till this smoke clears
And I'll find you in the ashes that remain

'Knock with caution at the door'
They said, 'Beware of what you're praying for'

So I'll stand here with my whole desire
In the middle of this forest fire
'Till I've nothing left to show
And new life begins to grow...

'Cause I'm burnin'
Yeah, I'm burnin'
And I know I'm gonna blister in these flames
So I'll stay here
'Till this smoke clears
And I'll find you in the ashes that remain

The Plunge

When I started this whole journey to be free I would have never thought that it would bring me to this place. This is so much more that I bargained for, but I am glad that the Lord has brought me here. I am standing at the edge of the cliff and the Lord is asking me to jump....but you know me, I am hesitating. I am not sure that I want all this "freedom" that He talks about. All this "grace" that He so freely gives......oh and yea, He promises to LOVE me all the time, no strings attached. What?!? But, I have to walk through this Forest Fire first. There will be pain and I know that these flames are going to blister my soul...... but the Lord promises Healing of all that, but I have to take the first step. I have to jump off the cliff into the fire. I have to be willing to get burned and have all the pain, only then will there be Freedom. Only then, will I truly experience the LOVE of God. That is the only way that I can receive it. Why has it taken me this long to get to the edge? To realize what I have been searching for? I looked for this in so many places.....in drugs, in drinking, in rebelling, in the beds of countless men.........and it was there the whole time. He was there the whole time, just waiting......waiting on me to be ready. So, here I am on this edge and I am actually thinking of jumping......am I crazy? Yes, I am but I am jumping in a fire that will free me! Jesus, hold my hand and we can jump together! I am ready!

A Hard Conversation

OK, Have you ever had to have a really tough conversation with someone and you just don't want to do it?
Well, I have to have one of these conversations with my mom and I just don't want to do it. I have to talk to her about some pretty tough stuff and I know that she is going to be hurt and get angry and all the other "common signs" that she feels threatened by what I have to talk to her about. I have to admit that I am fearful to have this conversation with her. I am afraid of what she is going to say back to me. I am afraid of how it is going to make her feel. I am afraid that she will take everything I say VERY personally. I am afraid that she is going to react badly and that it will DRASTICALLY affect our relationship......however surface it is. I am afraid! Now, my counsel would tell me that I am not responsible for how she reacts, I am just responsible for my side of the relationship and how I deal with it. Well, that is a ton of comfort...no really, it is. Ok, maybe not so much, but it is the truth and that is all that I have to stand on. This is the reality : I am not responsible for how she feels and what she takes away from this conversation. I can only speak the truth and be honest with her. Why is that so hard for me? Or should I say, Why is that so hard for me with my mom? I need to be honest with her about how angry I am with her. I have to tell her....I am ANGRY with you! You have HURT me! You have LIED to me! I feel BETRAYED by you! Yeah, sure....I can do that?!? Oh Jesus, help me, I am so afraid!

Cut at the Knees

Have you ever been in a conversation with someone and then you get the signal? You know what I am talking about, the signal. The signal that they DO NOT want to talk about the subject that you are asking about. Has it ever happened to you with someone that you really love and care about? You know, when you are asking a really tough question, but you are trying really hard to do it in love and with understanding and compassion, but you are just cut at the knees.......left cold in the wind......stopped right in your tracks. That happened to me today. I am sad. I want to be so real, so deep with this person, but they are just not there and it hurts my heart. I am not sure what to do, but love them where they are. But, is that it? I want to do more, be proactive, make the hard decisions...................and yet, I know that the Lord is just saying .....Love her like I do! Help!

What file?

I found out some info on my Bio Dad today and I am not sure how to file it in my head. I mean, do you file it under the dad that left, or how about the man I never knew. What about the guy that I wished that I could call dad, or maybe the one that was never there. I could put him in an old file like People I want to meet, or The ones that I could spend hours asking questions to, or what about the great old file of Family I would love to meet
OK, so even if I did know what file I want to put it in, I still have no idea how I feel about any of the info that I received. Does it make me want to see him, or find him I should say. Or does it make me even more angry at him than I was to begin with. A year ago (pre-couseling) I would have said that I have NO desire to meet him or see him or even know where he is. But now............ well, now I have no idea what I think or how I feel. I am NOT USED to feeling this way. What do I do with this? It is like my head and my heart have no idea where to put this? ...does not compute....does not compute....

A New Perspective

Have you ever always looked at something in one way. I mean, like your whole life, which in my case is over 30 years. I have always thought one way about this pretty big person from my past and now thanks to my counselor, I have a totally new perspective????? What do I do with that? I now have no idea how to even feel about this person? I mean, how do you change how you feel about someone, when you have been feeling that way for 30+ years? I do not even know where to begin. This person is not even in my life right now, but if I change the way that I think about them, they could be? Do I even want that, or want to even think about it? I think that I always considered myself to be pretty open to change, but now am I? Am I a person that is willing to change her perspective? I want to be. I want the Lord or the Truth to be able to change how I see something or someone. I want to be that. Lord, please help me to know how to look at this person the right way.....now after 30 years of doing it the wrong way.

Trip to the Land of 10,000 Lakes

So, they say that there are 10,000 lakes in Minn. I have to say that I believe them. I flew up there this past week to visit the best Canadian that I know and that is my friend and fellow Christ follower, Paula Taylor. Love her so much that there are just not words! It has been over a year since I have seen her and we were WAY OVERDUE for a visit. We did all the great Wini-Paula things......went to eat, shopped a little, went to eat again, she showed me IKEA (the new mother ship), then we ate again, we talked and cried together, then we ate again. This was just repeated every day that I was there (except for Sunday in which Worshipping the Lord would be inserted in between the eat and the shop :o) I mean, it just does not get any better :o) I love Paula and I am blessed to have her for a friend. There are pics coming soon!