Pixie Dust Prescription

Is it possible that just a little pixie dust can cover a multitude of childhood issues? I am here to tell you that it can! There was such a healing of my heart while we were at Disney. I never had the chance to go on any trips with my dad, or as a family. There was no such thing as a vacation in my family. I went with my mom and step-dad and little sister when I was in my teens years (not a great time to go on your first trip to Disney) and I was not excited to be there. Of course, I have to admit that I was not excited to be anywhere with my mom and step-dad at that time in my life (and when did that change exactly? oh, never mind). All that being said, it was healing to be in a place where families are celebrated and I got to celebrate my family (surprizing, huh?). I got to spend great time with my kids and it was fun. I got to enjoy it all with Terry by my side. There are just so many bad memories from times with my family, but here I was in Disney doing it different, really having some great memories with my kids and with Terry. I was finally doing something different from my mom! It would just hit me at weird times while we were in the park....riding the Dumbo ride, twirling in the teacups, dancing with the princesses, or fighting Peter Pan....we are a real family and we are in this thing, this life together.

Distraction

What a great distraction from all that I have been going through. I have to tell you that I was a little worried that I would be a little overwhelmed with being at Disney and having just met my Dad for the first time in over thirty years....figuring out how to tell my mom that I have met him, and that I like him (yikes!), and just all the other childhood stuff that I have been dealing with, BUT... it just has not been that way. The Lord has once again protected me so that I can just enjoy this time with my family and just have fun! I mean real fun! It has been so awesome! This is better than what any anti-depressant that I could take. Thank you Lord, for you know me better than any, and you know what I need!

Our View!

I just had to blog about Disney World! I mean, the magic is real. We are having the time of our lives (and that's just Terry and I :o) The kids are beside themselves they are having so much fun and I have to admit, I never thought that it would be so much fun just to watch them having fun....does that make sense...oh well, you know what I mean. The picture that I am posting is the view from our hotel room...I mean we are within a five minute walk to the Magic Kingdom (which might I add definitely lives up to it's name!) I love this, I love doing this with my family. I love all of it!

Christmas has come early for our family. We are off to Disney World in FL to have a grand time for a whole eight days!! I have to admit that it is a welcome break from all the stuff that I am attempting to process through. I will only have to think of whether to ride Dumbo or Peter Pan for the next eight days. I can't wait. That is the kind of burden that I live for :o) So, I will say Hi to the big Mouse for you all and see you after Christmas!

so?

So, everyone wants to know......how does all this make you feel? I have come to one conclusion very quick (even for me since I am a VERY LONG processor). I have come to realize that I needed more. Well, you say, that tells me nothing! Let me explain...
I know that Christ is supposed to complete me, to fill me up, to be my sufficiency. However, I have to admit that I was yearning for more, for something else, although, had you asked me I would not have been able to place what that thing was. I have been living my life with no answer, no reason to all that pain that has come from my childhood. Why did my dad leave? Was it me, or something else? I have no idea...
I met with my dad and I have to admit, my life is different. I know that Christ is supposed to be enough, but right now, in my little piece of the world, meeting my dad was life-changing. I am a different person. I see myself in a new way. The question if I looked like him?.... do I act like him?....is he funny like me?....is he a good man?... does he know me?
Well, now I know. I know that he wanted to see me and that he tried to. I was wanted. He wanted to know me , to see pics of me. He wants a daughter, a daughter named Wini....even better.

Me and My Dad

So, you know me, I had to bring my camera when I went to meet my dad. I thought you guys would love to see a pic of me and him! Do you think that we look alike? I would love to hear what you think :o)

went for a Hamburger, came out with a Crabcake

I just knew that I was going to puke! I was sitting in our truck waiting for Terry to open my door so that I could enter a new chapter in the novel of my life. I was getting ready to meet my dad, Jim. Who would have thought, I mean, have you read the past few entries in my blog? This was a lost cause... The fire was out, the trail was cold....all hope was gone. And then GOD enters from stage right. All the sudden here I am getting ready to meet him. I mean, really meet him. I have to stop thinking about this or I really am going to puke! We walk into the restaurant, he is already there waiting on us. Will I know which older man he is, will I be able to pick him out of the crowd?....Do I see him? Yes, there in the back. I picked him out (that was weird) I knew it was him immediately! He looked nice and....he had a HUGE smile on his face....ok stay calm...WOW, he is really tall...oh crap I think that he is going to hug me...ok, I have let go and he is still hugging me. This is weird, but somehow comfortable and I think ...well, let's not go there yet. Jim immediately started talking about his trip down and there was no pause in the conversation after that. It was great. We talked about his life, all that he has done, the jobs that he has had, his wife, the traveling they have done, and on and on and on. He wanted to know all about the kids and why I stayed at home with them. He was interested in finding things that we had in common. I could not stop staring at him (I am sure that he thought that I was a freak) but every time I looked at him I saw some other way that I looked like him or talked like him. He told me all about his family and what it was like for him growing up. Before I knew it lunch was over and we weren't done talking. Thankfully Terry suggested walking over to Starbucks...Jim quickly agreed and we were off. We sat outside at Starbucks and talked for another two hours and as it quickly became time for us to go, I am not sure that either one of us wanted to part ways. Jim asked for my address and I wanted his too, but forgot to ask for it in all the excitement. We exchanged all our important info and hugged while we said good bye. Through misty eyes and a quick laugh, Jim (my dad:o) suggested that he did not want it to be as long before we saw each other again. I laughed, but only to hide the fact that I was getting emotional. I needed to get out of there quick. But, Jim would not have it. He had to hug me another two or three times, and then finally released me to say goodbye. It was hard for both of us, but we got in our separate trucks. As he pulled out, he waved and honked the horn for the final farewell and then, he was gone. I could still smell him on my shirt and it made me miss him already. All I could think about was one thing that he had told me. He came down here just to see me. I loved my lunch with Jim....with my dad.ok, so it wasn't the hamburger and sweet tea that I was expecting...instead it was a crab cake with ice water that sat long enough to make a ring of condensation on the tablecloth.

Are you sitting down?

My dad called today. No, I am not kidding. I know, I know...your mouth is on the floor. Well, mine was too. I was in the Dr office with my son and I got a call. Well, I was talking to the nurse and did not even look to see who it was. She walked out of the room and I picked up my phone. 1 missed call it said. I hit the button and JIM clicked up..... What?! This must be wrong. My phone says that JIM called. I shut the phone and laid it down....and then it happened. BEEP...BEEP...BEEP... You guessed it, I had a voicemail. Are you serious? He left me a message?!? ok....ok...what should I do? Should I listen to it now....here in the middle of the Dr office or should I wait?...yes that is what I will do... I will wait. Oh shit, I can't wait. I want to know what he wants, or what he said. No, be realistic Wini, what if it is bad (always my first thought:O) I am not going to want that kind of news here in the middle of a Dr office. No, let's try to be an adult and just be patient.....Oh, I have never been good at this kind of thing, this waiting thing. I just don't have it.....well, not a lot of it. So, I do what needs to be done with the Dr and then get out to the truck. Here I sit, yet again, in my truck looking at my phone to answer so many of the childhood issues of my life. I click the button to listen to the voicemail. Hey Wini, this is your....I am on my....just wanted to.... No, I am not kidding. I was ready to throw this damn phone out the window and across the parking lot. Mine or His phone's signal was bad when he left the message. I could not hear one thing that he was saying.....You have got to be kidding me!! Is there ever anything in my life that is easy?? So, I decided, well, I have come this far. I might as well call him back.....now, what to say...oh, screw it...don't think about it Wini, just call him. And that is just what I did. Ring....Ring....Hello? Hey Wini, I just wanted to let you know that I am on my way into town and I just didn't know if you would have some time this weekend to get together? I almost hit the median!

Disappointment

So, the weekend has come and gone and my hope has now faded. Well, not just faded, but totally disappeared! I really did not think that he was going to call.....but even if it is not what you expect, you still want it. I wanted him to call. I wanted to be important enough. I wanted to be worth it, just this one time. But, as it turns out, my gut was right. All I will ever have will be the talk in the truck. Not sure that is what I want to have to tell my kids.......Kids, your Granddad was a sweet man....he could really turn it on while talking on the phone.....What? What does he look like?...well, I have no idea. What? Where does he live?...well, I have no idea. What? Why doesn't he come to visit?.....well, I have no idea. OK, maybe that is not the right perspective, but do you blame me? I wanted my mom to be wrong. I know that she thinks that he is an a**, but I wanted him to prove her wrong. I wanted him to show that he is different, that he is a good guy, that he did want a relationship with me, that he was pushed away all those years, that he did not just walk away and never look back. But now, after giving me the talk in the truck, he has walked away again, and left me with nothing but disappointment.

Anger

So, in the midst of all my "stuff", my husband is having some issues with his family. I have to say that it has been a nice distraction from all my shit, but I hate it for him. It is so hard to see someone you love hurt. Not just hurt, but hurt deeply. I just don't understand people. I don't understand anger and bitterness and how it is tied to and rooted in people. Don't you know that your anger and bitterness affect everyone around you? You are not an island! Your decisions do not just affect you, they affect everyone around you! If you are angry and bitter, get over it. Let go of it and give it to the Lord! He can take it.
I have a friend, a close friend, whose marriage is being ripped apart by anger, bitterness and envy (and underneath it all...pride). She is hurting and I have to watch it and hear it and touch it. I hate it. I hate that she is hurting and I hate that I can not help, can not change it, can not make it better. It just sucks. But, I do what I can, I talk to her, I cry with her, I pray for her.......but I also pray for her husband. I pray that he will let go of the anger and bitterness, that he will see who he really is. I pray that he will see how selfish he is being and that he will realize, not everything is about him! I pray that he will take a long hard look at what he is doing to his children. I also pray this for my in-laws. That they will let go of their anger and bitterness, that they will see who they really are (and who they are in Christ) and that they will take a long hard look at what they are doing to their family.

waiting

how do you maintain daily life when you are waiting for something that you know is BIG. I don't mean waiting for a pizza to come out of the oven or waiting for the best movie in the world to come to theatres. I mean....something Big! I am waiting for my dad to call. This call will be big if and only if it happens. But, I have to admit, I really want it to happen. I want to be important to him. I don't want to have to say for the rest of my life that it was "just a honor to be nominated". I know that the phone conversation was awesome and that it was so much better than I could have ever expected, but now I find myself expecting more. Yikes! That is so scary. I don't want to expect him to call. I don't want to expect him to say "I'm here in town and I want to have that Hamburger". But I do..... and that is what I am waiting on. How do you wait? I don't do it very well. I have the tendency to only think of that one thing while I am waiting (or obsessing). I know that that is not a good thing, and yet I continue to do it.I try to imagine what he really looks like and what he would wear if we ever do get to have that Hamburger? What would he say, better yet, what would I say. Where would I meet him? What would I wear? Too bad I haven't lost those couple of pounds....would I leave my hair down....would I take Terry with me........or go it alone? OK, this is going nowhere, but see what I mean. I try to think of every senario in my head to occupy me while I am waiting.....but really I just want him to call.

The girl in the window

I went and talked to my counselor today. She said something that hasn't left me. She said I need to stop being the girl in the window looking into what others want me to be and really focus on what the Lord wants for me. What He has designed me to be. I am not sure what that is, but I know what she means. I need to stop worrying about doing what others expect of me. I have always thought that I had to live up to what others expect, no matter how high those expectations are! How can one person do all that you say? My point exactly! I can not be all that my mother expects, I can not always do what my friends would like for me to, I feel like I let down my kids all the time and I certainly don't have all that it takes to be the woman of God that I see in the scriptures.....but I guess I am finally starting to come to the conclusion that this is not what the Lord expects. He just wants me to do what I can.....strive to be like Him, talk to Him on a daily (or sometimes hourly) basis, love others, do the laundry, sing with my kids, have sex with my husband, cry with my friend, be humble, etc....etc... you get the point. He just expects me, but it has to be who I am in Christ......and that is all that He wants. He doesn't want me looking in the window at what I should be. He wants me to realize that he is standing right here with me, and He wants me to strive for what He has for me, and just me!

11 years

I can not believe that Terry and I have been married for 11 years. We went out for dinner tonight and all I could think about what the day that we got married. We had no money, but we were so happy! I could not stop smiling on that day. I just knew that the Lord had something wonderful in store for us. I could never have imagined that we would be here. Here in a place where we both are growing together and have changed to compliment each other even more. A place where we have four small children that keep us falling in the floor laughing and then in the next minute bring us to tears. A place where we see Jesus in each other and try to gently tell each other when we don't. I love my husband and I just can't stop thinking about where I would be without him. I am in a rough place right now with all that I am going through (my past, my dad, my therapy...enough said) and Terry has just been right there through all of it and promises that he is ready for more. My mind almost does not comprehend that, but it is true and daily I try to understand why he loves me that much.

the Hamburger

When I talked to my dad, he said that he was coming to in town sometime in November. Then he asked (or did I) Do you want to get together? He said that we need to at least get together and have a hamburger.... a Hamburger? What does that mean? Is that his way of wanting to get to know me, or just lead me to think he wants to know me. A hamburger can be so many things. It can be a quick drive through Mickey D's window or a nice lunch out on a patio with homemade fries and a big glass of sweet tea. The first meaning nothing except that is all you have time for and the latter meaning you want to hang out and talk, really talk about important things over continuous refills of sweet tea. I, of course, quickly agreed that I would love to get together and he should just let me know when he was coming in town and then we could get together. I told him that I would love to meet him face to face and see how we look alike, or talk alike, or have the same smile. I would just love it (more than he would ever know!). However, now that I have totally over thought this conversation, I am beginning to doubt that he will call. I mean, he doesn't have to. He can never talk to me again and more than likely be fine with it. I mean, he has lived for 32 years or so without talking or seeing me, so what is different now? Am I different? Will it change my life if he doesn't call? Will it change my life if he does? Then I came to a conclusion: Even if I never talk to him again, this was the best that I could have ever wanted this conversation to be. I could not have dreamed it any better. The words were perfect, the way he sounded was perfect, the timing was perfect, the fact that he seemed to care was perfect, the way he called me sweetie when he said goodbye was perfect, the way he seemed to want more was perfect. What more could I want? But, guess what? I do want more. I want to him to call me. I want to meet him. I want that Hamburger!

The Next Page

The following conversation that I am going to write about still does not seem real to me. I know in my head that it happened and yet, my heart still lives in disbelief. I have talked to my dad. The man that helped give life to me. He was there when I was born and there when I took my first step, there when I cried at night, there when I turned one and ate all that cake, just there... but only for a time. The last time that he saw me was when I was around 18 months old. He can recount the day like it was yesterday (yes that freaked me out a little!) He remembered a lot with me on the phone. He asked if I still had that Black curly hair and those big brown eyes. He asked if I was married and did I have any kids. and then came the big question...........Are you happy? I of course told him YES! I have a wonderful life with a husband that loves me for who I am and four unbelievable children that constantly amaze me and great friends that I love dearly and somehow seem to also love me. But, then the pause............I started to think about what I don't have. Well, never mind Jim, let's not go there. That is not what I want this phone conversation to be about. Tell me about you.....who are you? He is a simple man that loves to work and play a little golf here and there. He is married again and has been for 24 years (what?!?!?!) He thinks about me often. He said that he did not want to BS me and tell me that he thought about me all the time (and he is honest???). He told me stories of times that he has thought about me and wished that he knew where I was and that he could talk to me. He talked about how he tried to contact me and things (and people) got in the way, so he thought that was just for the best (what is the best?). He talked about how he felt when I was born and what that was like. He just sounded normal. He just wanted to catch up and see what I was like. He wanted to talk about what he was doing and then wanted me to do that same. He was calling me sweetie by the end of the conversation and that somehow did not sound weird. It was almost comfortable. I don't know how else to say it other than He just seemed easy, sweet, gentle and caring. It almost seemed to easy to talk to him. I found myself not wanting to get off the phone, not wanting the moment to end. Surely there is more to say, something else to talk about, another story to tell... and yet there had to be an end. The goodbye that I did not want to hear. The "I have to be going now and get to bed" that I was dreading.... then as quickly as the conversation started, it now ended. There I am, in the truck, alone once again. And yet, this time it was different.

A Talk in the Truck

OK, picture this in your mind: I am sitting in our truck which is in our garage in the middle of the night.....boy that sounds bad doesn't it :o) I was talking on the phone and this was the only place that I could go to have this very BIG talk. I knew that if I stayed in the house that I would only pace and halfway through this conversation I would be so out of breath that I could barely talk (yes I have done this before). I am sitting in the truck and dialing the number, careful to check the number multiple times before I press the send button. Then it rings.....and then again...etc, etc. What...........No Answer??? Now, I know that the Lord did not bring me to this point with this number and then ...No Answer?? I walked into the house defeated. Terry was waiting patiently trying not to ask for fear of the worst. "No Answer." I said and the pain was in both of our faces. Yes, don't worry, just try again in a little while. That is what I am going to do...that's the plan. Well, let's just say that this happened a few more times and by nine at night, I emerged from the garage officially rejected! It was done. He did not want to answer the phone much less even talk to me. It was all a big fluke. I mean, did I really think that I was going to get to actually talk to my dad. The one and only. The dad that left me over 30 years ago, the one that hurt my mom so badly, the one that never.......... wait someone is calling me...........it's HIM! He is calling me back?????? My dad is calling me back. Wait! I'm not in the truck..I have to run to the truck and then I can answer. No! Terry says, You have to answer it now! So, I do and a whole new chapter is started in my life.....turn page.

Do I call?

My Dad's old friend called me this morning. I had called him to see if he knew where my dad was. He was the only one that I knew that MAYBE knew something about my dad. He was not sure about anything but promised me that he was here to help and then quickly told me that he would make some phone calls and then get back to me. OK, let me just admit that I never in a million years thought that he was going to call me back. I just did not have a good feeling about it, SOOOOOOOooooooo when the phone rang a week later and it was him let's just say that I was shocked! Anyway, he told me that he had gotten up with my dad's twin brother (he has a brother?? and it is his TWIN brother! What?! OK, quickly regroup!) He and his wife live in Charlotte and they know just how to get up with your dad! WHAT?!? I was visibly shaken and had to sit down. You mean, they know where he is and are expecting my call today? They can't wait to talk to me and tell me how to get up with my dad? I could not get off the phone fast enough. I said my thank yous quickly so as to get off the phone as soon as possible. Randy graciously complied and then there I was with a phone number that would lead to info on my dad. I am not sure that I am ready for this. I mean, am I really prepared? OK Wini, enough excuses, just call already. I am dying here. I made the call and the person on the other line related to me by blood proceeded to tell me about my dad and where he was living and that he wanted me to call him. Oh, and here is his number .........again, I quickly went through the thank yous as I had done before, only with a little more feeling. I had to get off this phone so that I could stare at this number. Finally, goodbyes were said and then there I was... left alone, with his number....Oh Lord, help me...what should I do?

A Father's Arms

So, today my mom found the pics that she has been looking for. They are of my real dad. I have now looked at them for the 500th time and I still don't think I really see who he is. I should point out that the pics are not that great,you know what I mean....they are from the 70's. They are little squares with some blurred image that I should recognize and yet.....I don't. The few that were given are small but they do show his face. It seems like a sweet and tender face, not at all like the monster that my mom portrayed him as. As I look at this pic of him holding me, he does not look uncomfortable. He is holding me in the cradle of his arm. He is looking at me, almost smiling with a gentle look in his eyes. I mean, it looks just like a pic I have of Terry holding one of our children. It looks normal.... well maybe not, it looks real. I know, I know the stories that my mom has told are awful, horrible and just painful. But,even with all that I can look at these pics from 1974 and see a Daddy. Funny isn't it, the things that change over the years. She can only remember him as evil and now I strain to see the glimpse of a Father.

God showed up!

Have you ever been really needing to see the hand of God and then, BAM! He shows up? I was walking down my driveway with my mother, knowing that I need to have this very hard conversation with her, and then God was there....... or maybe what I should say is... I saw God. He has not left me, but His presence was so obvious to me as I stood there knowing this was the time to talk to my mom. This was it. God was saying "Go For It!" and I was hesitating. In that moment was when I felt the Lord beside me, He was there. His strength was there and I felt it like I never had before. So, I went for it! I told my mom that I was searching for my Bio dad and that I wanted to find him. OK, here it comes. I know just what she is going to say....OK.....any minute now. But, guess what.. There was nothing!?! What? Is this my mother? What, you are OK with the fact that I want to find my dad? What? You are glad for me to do it and you knew this time would come someday? Who the hell is this? This is not my mother, you are some alien that has taken over her body! But, I was wrong...it was not an alien...it was GOD! He was there preparing my mom for all that I was going to say. I was stunned! For the first time in my life I saw (and felt) that I was important enough for God to show up! He loves me! He wants me to find my dad and He is helping me. He is real and when we ask Him to show up...Big things happen!

Am I crazy?

so, the journey is beginning
I am making the effort to try and find my bio dad. I must be crazy?!?! What am I thinking? Well, I have to know. I have to know if he thinks about me. I have to know if he every wished that he knew me....knew my kids. I just have to know. I realize that this is not going to "fix" any of my issues. I have come to terms with the fact that this is not who I am. This dad, or man, is just a part of me and my history, nothing more. Now, that can change, but right now, that is all this is.

He loves me... He loves me not?

I am starting to think that I have a hard time accepting love. Well, certain expressions of love. I love getting a card and have never had a hard time receiving a gift, but what about the love that matters. You know, from the big guy upstairs. How do you accept true love...agape love from God? Is it just a switch that you turn on and then **poof** you can accept his love from any available source, or it is more than that? I have always wanted to be loved, by anyone really. I wanted to just be wanted, be loved, be cared for or about, be pursued, be longed for, be the last piece of the puzzle....to complete someone. Maybe it is just all about being worth the LOVE. I want to be worth it for God. I want Him to want me, want to love me, want to have a talk with me, want to take a walk with me, want to cry with me, want to do laundry with me, want to be intimate with me. That love, that intimacy.....that is what somehow seems unattainable. That love that I have desired my whole life and God has waiting for me, but............ It is just out of my reach. I am on my tippie toes, trying so hard to reach it on that top shelf. I am close enough to see it, but just not big enough to reach it.

First Day of School

Well, I now have two girls in school and I just can not believe it!. Haven is starting the First Grade and Lauren is starting Kindergarten. They are just getting too big for me. I love it though. They both seemed a little nervous and Haven had a hard time sleeping, but they both made it there on time and seemed very excited to be there! However, Mom is a whole other story. I am sad to seem them go off to the first day of school. I am going to miss them and all that comes with them. The smiles, the laughs, the silly comments at the table during lunch, the quiet whispers of special ideas during nap time, the feeling that I feel when they tell me that they love me so, so much. I love it all and I am going to miss it...........that is until 2:30 when the school bell rings and I am once again the mother of four :o)

Burnin'

These are the words to a song by Nicole Nordeman that is just right with my soul right now:

Started rubbing sticks together
I thought a spark would take forever
I never dreamt this fire would appear

When Moses saw the Bush in flames
And heard the branches speak his name
I wonder if he felt this kind of fear

'Cause I'm burnin'
Yeah, I'm burnin'
And I know I'm gonna blister in these flames
So I'll stay here
'Till this smoke clears
And I'll find you in the ashes that remain

Used to be that I could say
My faith was one arm's length away
From any flame that ever felt too warm

Asked for matches, but I received
A gallon full of gasoline
Now my cozy campfire days are gone

'Cause I'm burnin'
Yeah I'm burnin'
And I know I'm gonna blister in these flames
So I'll stay here
'Till this smoke clears
And I'll find you in the ashes that remain

'Knock with caution at the door'
They said, 'Beware of what you're praying for'

So I'll stand here with my whole desire
In the middle of this forest fire
'Till I've nothing left to show
And new life begins to grow...

'Cause I'm burnin'
Yeah, I'm burnin'
And I know I'm gonna blister in these flames
So I'll stay here
'Till this smoke clears
And I'll find you in the ashes that remain

The Plunge

When I started this whole journey to be free I would have never thought that it would bring me to this place. This is so much more that I bargained for, but I am glad that the Lord has brought me here. I am standing at the edge of the cliff and the Lord is asking me to jump....but you know me, I am hesitating. I am not sure that I want all this "freedom" that He talks about. All this "grace" that He so freely gives......oh and yea, He promises to LOVE me all the time, no strings attached. What?!? But, I have to walk through this Forest Fire first. There will be pain and I know that these flames are going to blister my soul...... but the Lord promises Healing of all that, but I have to take the first step. I have to jump off the cliff into the fire. I have to be willing to get burned and have all the pain, only then will there be Freedom. Only then, will I truly experience the LOVE of God. That is the only way that I can receive it. Why has it taken me this long to get to the edge? To realize what I have been searching for? I looked for this in so many places.....in drugs, in drinking, in rebelling, in the beds of countless men.........and it was there the whole time. He was there the whole time, just waiting......waiting on me to be ready. So, here I am on this edge and I am actually thinking of jumping......am I crazy? Yes, I am but I am jumping in a fire that will free me! Jesus, hold my hand and we can jump together! I am ready!

A Hard Conversation

OK, Have you ever had to have a really tough conversation with someone and you just don't want to do it?
Well, I have to have one of these conversations with my mom and I just don't want to do it. I have to talk to her about some pretty tough stuff and I know that she is going to be hurt and get angry and all the other "common signs" that she feels threatened by what I have to talk to her about. I have to admit that I am fearful to have this conversation with her. I am afraid of what she is going to say back to me. I am afraid of how it is going to make her feel. I am afraid that she will take everything I say VERY personally. I am afraid that she is going to react badly and that it will DRASTICALLY affect our relationship......however surface it is. I am afraid! Now, my counsel would tell me that I am not responsible for how she reacts, I am just responsible for my side of the relationship and how I deal with it. Well, that is a ton of comfort...no really, it is. Ok, maybe not so much, but it is the truth and that is all that I have to stand on. This is the reality : I am not responsible for how she feels and what she takes away from this conversation. I can only speak the truth and be honest with her. Why is that so hard for me? Or should I say, Why is that so hard for me with my mom? I need to be honest with her about how angry I am with her. I have to tell her....I am ANGRY with you! You have HURT me! You have LIED to me! I feel BETRAYED by you! Yeah, sure....I can do that?!? Oh Jesus, help me, I am so afraid!

Cut at the Knees

Have you ever been in a conversation with someone and then you get the signal? You know what I am talking about, the signal. The signal that they DO NOT want to talk about the subject that you are asking about. Has it ever happened to you with someone that you really love and care about? You know, when you are asking a really tough question, but you are trying really hard to do it in love and with understanding and compassion, but you are just cut at the knees.......left cold in the wind......stopped right in your tracks. That happened to me today. I am sad. I want to be so real, so deep with this person, but they are just not there and it hurts my heart. I am not sure what to do, but love them where they are. But, is that it? I want to do more, be proactive, make the hard decisions...................and yet, I know that the Lord is just saying .....Love her like I do! Help!

What file?

I found out some info on my Bio Dad today and I am not sure how to file it in my head. I mean, do you file it under the dad that left, or how about the man I never knew. What about the guy that I wished that I could call dad, or maybe the one that was never there. I could put him in an old file like People I want to meet, or The ones that I could spend hours asking questions to, or what about the great old file of Family I would love to meet
OK, so even if I did know what file I want to put it in, I still have no idea how I feel about any of the info that I received. Does it make me want to see him, or find him I should say. Or does it make me even more angry at him than I was to begin with. A year ago (pre-couseling) I would have said that I have NO desire to meet him or see him or even know where he is. But now............ well, now I have no idea what I think or how I feel. I am NOT USED to feeling this way. What do I do with this? It is like my head and my heart have no idea where to put this? ...does not compute....does not compute....

A New Perspective

Have you ever always looked at something in one way. I mean, like your whole life, which in my case is over 30 years. I have always thought one way about this pretty big person from my past and now thanks to my counselor, I have a totally new perspective????? What do I do with that? I now have no idea how to even feel about this person? I mean, how do you change how you feel about someone, when you have been feeling that way for 30+ years? I do not even know where to begin. This person is not even in my life right now, but if I change the way that I think about them, they could be? Do I even want that, or want to even think about it? I think that I always considered myself to be pretty open to change, but now am I? Am I a person that is willing to change her perspective? I want to be. I want the Lord or the Truth to be able to change how I see something or someone. I want to be that. Lord, please help me to know how to look at this person the right way.....now after 30 years of doing it the wrong way.

Trip to the Land of 10,000 Lakes

So, they say that there are 10,000 lakes in Minn. I have to say that I believe them. I flew up there this past week to visit the best Canadian that I know and that is my friend and fellow Christ follower, Paula Taylor. Love her so much that there are just not words! It has been over a year since I have seen her and we were WAY OVERDUE for a visit. We did all the great Wini-Paula things......went to eat, shopped a little, went to eat again, she showed me IKEA (the new mother ship), then we ate again, we talked and cried together, then we ate again. This was just repeated every day that I was there (except for Sunday in which Worshipping the Lord would be inserted in between the eat and the shop :o) I mean, it just does not get any better :o) I love Paula and I am blessed to have her for a friend. There are pics coming soon!

Going to the Farm!

We just got back from our annual trip to Alabama to see Terry's Cousins! It was awesome! They live in the middle of nowhere on farm land in the Southeast corner of Alabama. We all love going there since we can get away from just about everything, meaning the computer, the TV, the internet and all that stuff! The kids love seeing all the animals and getting to play with all their cousins, which they only get to see during this trip! Terry and I love catching up with family and just escaping our reality of city life for awhile. Although, I have to say that I did miss my email and the Drudge Report. All in all, the visit was quite a success and Terry enjoyed his first time going with us! A big shout out and Thank You to all the Murphy family in AL....We love you guys!

Trip to Atlanta

We spent the weekend in Atlanta and it was awesome! We were on our way to Alabama and we decided to break up the trip and make a stop in Atlanta. We are so glad that we did! The kids loved Downtown and the Olympic Centennial Park. There is so much to see there that we are going to have to go back. We spent a lot of time just looking around and of course had to stop and eat and have ice cream! It ended up being a great Father's Day Treat for all of us!

Summer is Here!!

We are really enjoying school being out and just having fun all day and every day. We recently joined a pool and the kids have had so much fun going and playing in the water. Haven is really getting good at swimming across the pool and Lauren is getting there. Camden and Ashton are just enjoying the kiddie waterpark with the slides and fountains. I am just trying to soak it all it :o)

Boundaries

I am reading this book called "Boundaries" and it has brought a lot things to mind, like my entire life, as in without any boundaries. Not sure how I grew up without ever learning this, but I did. I am reading this book with shock on my face most of the time. It is explaining a lot of how my unhealthy relationships have developed that way because of my lack of boundaries. I let people manipulate me. Oh, for sure, if you met me in person you would never think that this is true. However, I am here to tell you that it is. I have a hard time saying No, or I don't think that is Right, or whatever you want to fill in that blank with. I somehow equate LOVE with saying YES. and I equate being UNLOVED or NOT LOVING with saying NO. Yes, I know that this sounds screwed up, but this is how I have lived the first 32 years of my life. All my childhood wounds (and teenage years wounds) have conditioned me to think this way. I am coming to terms with the fact that this single belief that I hold to has impacted me in so many ways........and in ways that I still have yet to see. That is scary! How do I change that about me? How do I, after 32 years of living this way, all the sudden just CHANGE? And that leads me to think....What was the Lord doing with me all these years. I know that He saw me while all this wounding was happening. I know that He was with me during all the pain. I know that He carried me when I could no longer put one foot in front of the other. I know all this, BUT why did He let it ever get that far?

Soccer Camp

Haven is in soccer camp this week and she is having so much fun! Two of her friends, Ragan and Savannah, went to camp with her. She is not sure if Soccer is the one sport that she wants to play in the fall, but she really liked the camp....and her camp coach, Coach Heidi!

Who am I?

As I walk through this journey of healing, I am starting to realize that this is more of a journey to find out who I am. Who did the Lord truly desire for me to be.....you know in the beginning, before all the crap, all the pain, all the hurt, and the baggage. I have seen a glimpse of the real me and not who others expect for me to be or act. It is both exciting and scary to realize this at the age of 32. Not sure what I am going to do with that, but I am on this journey for the long haul and God and me, we are going to figure this thing out!

Dinner Party

I love throwing parties! I love it when one of my friends is having a baby or some other major life event and I get the chance to throw a party. I love figureing out the menu and working on the guest list and makeing the invitation. I love it all! Thank you to all my friends that let me shower them with parties! I love it!

Healing

I am ready Lord!
Ready to do what you have asked me to do. Ready to heal from all the past hurts and pain. Ready to walk in the freedom that you have designed for me to walk in. Ready to walk in the perfect law that gives freedom (james 1).I know that you have waited for me here and you are ready to take all this burden, all this pain, all this regret and all this sin. You are ready to take it and make it as far from me as the east is from the west. I know that you can do it and now I am saying:
I am ready!

Assault on the Family

Over the past year, I have known seven families that have been torn apart. They have been destroyed either through adultery or just plain selfishness. I can not help but think about my own family when forced to deal with these situations in different ways. How can we protect our families from this world, our culture, and from evil itself? In the modern Christian culture of current day churches, women are given the "inspired" checklist to live their life by in order to prevent their husbands from being tempted to stray......it is somehow our jobs as wives to check off the list in order to protect our husbands from their sin. How is this possible? better yet how is this biblical? If we have sex with our husbands every other day, cook him a nice dinner, keep the house clean and straight and provide him with 2.5 children then the equation should equal 1 happy marriage...... If the Christian culture in our churches has it right then why is the divorce rate higher in the church than it is outside of it? We are the ones that have all the books and the conferences and all the right things to say and to do, but we can not keep our families together...

Pain

There is always pain with sin and it's consequences. I am just curious....when does that pain stop? Is there ever a time that the Lord takes it away? If not, then why? As I continue to experience pain from past sins....I have ask when will it not hurt? When will the healing be complete?

Mercy

The prophet Micah lived during a dark time. The children of Israel were following false idols and even sacrificing their children to them. They were doing all of this during the reign of King Ahaz. This was when the Lord spoke through Micah to tell them of the judgement that was coming. Some wanted to turn from their evil ways and follow God. They pleaded with Micah to tell them how to win God's favor once again. The Lord had one answer:

Micah 6:8 (NIV) He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.

To act Justly
To love Mercy
To walk humbly with your God

How do I do that? I have been thinking about this a lot. Justice, Mercy and Humility are BIG things with the Lord. Do I have a sense of justice for all the atrocities that happen to the poor, the hungry that have no food, the women that are sold, the children that are dying of AIDS? Does my heart jump to help and have compassion for the widow in assisted living with no one? Do I cry when I see the orphans that desperately want to be loved?
Do I want to show the mercy that the Lord has shown me? The mercy that He showed when he took my sins from me and took them upon Himself so that I may have a HOPE beyond this world. Am I willing? Willing to go the AIDS patients and tell them that there is someone that cares and that loves them. Willing to go to the addicts and tell them that there is a HOPE that is beyond all hope and can help them. Willing to talk to the stripper that is just trying to feed her children. Willing to talk to the Illegal that is just trying to make a better life for their family....and their children's family ... and their children's children's family.
And where does the humility fit into all this? Or does it even work at all without the humility. How good do I think that I am? I can not even imagine being able to get off the floor when I am face to face with the MOST HIGH GOD one day. And yet, we are to be like HIM. Treat others as He would treat them. Which is what? to serve them. We are to serve the ones that need him the most. Serve them with Love and show them the mercy of GOD.
Now, can God do all these things without us??????
The answer is yes, BUT I sure don't want to miss it!

Why?

All I can think about is the tragedy that has taken place at Virginia Tech. I was talking with some of my friends and they are all saying "How can GOD let this happen?" Can we really answer this question? In the book "When Bad things Happen to Good People" the author Harold S. Kushner says:

God does not cause our misfortunes. Some are caused by bad luck, some are caused by bad people, and some are simply an inevitable consequence of our being human and being mortal, living in a world of inflexible natural laws.

The painful things that happen to us are not punishments for our misbehavior, nor are they in any way part of some grand design on God's part. Because the tragedy is not God's will, we need not feel hurt or betrayed by God when tragedy strikes. We can turn to Him for help in overcoming it, precisely because we can tell ourselves that God is as outraged by it as we are.

I can only imagine how much God is hurting with the families of the VT victims now. Are we as Christ Followers showing the same love to them as He would?

HE IS RISEN!

Easter is a time of Celebration in our home! We had a wonderful Church service on Easter morning even though it was less that 30 degrees outside! Thank the Lord that it warmed up outside during church and was warm enough to get a few pics of the kids before we went to lunch. I am constantly overwhlemed at how fast the kids are growing up. It forces me to realize how quickly my time with them will pass and too soon they will be on their own. Yikes!

Falling Apart

Our Oldest, Haven, just lost her two front teeth! Too Cute! She actually pulled them out herself...unbelievable! She is so much braver that what I was at her age! She looks so much older for some reason. I'm not ready!

Beauty

Why is it that we think that the way that we look on the outside tells people what kind of person we are on the inside? What does our hair color or the size of our jeans tell someone about our character or our integrity?? I know that this comes from the world that we live in since I can find nothing in the bible that tells me this is true! How do we live in this culture obsessed with beauty (whatever they think that is) and apperence without allowing it to affect our heart? our inner being? our soul?

Perception