The Next Page

The following conversation that I am going to write about still does not seem real to me. I know in my head that it happened and yet, my heart still lives in disbelief. I have talked to my dad. The man that helped give life to me. He was there when I was born and there when I took my first step, there when I cried at night, there when I turned one and ate all that cake, just there... but only for a time. The last time that he saw me was when I was around 18 months old. He can recount the day like it was yesterday (yes that freaked me out a little!) He remembered a lot with me on the phone. He asked if I still had that Black curly hair and those big brown eyes. He asked if I was married and did I have any kids. and then came the big question...........Are you happy? I of course told him YES! I have a wonderful life with a husband that loves me for who I am and four unbelievable children that constantly amaze me and great friends that I love dearly and somehow seem to also love me. But, then the pause............I started to think about what I don't have. Well, never mind Jim, let's not go there. That is not what I want this phone conversation to be about. Tell me about you.....who are you? He is a simple man that loves to work and play a little golf here and there. He is married again and has been for 24 years (what?!?!?!) He thinks about me often. He said that he did not want to BS me and tell me that he thought about me all the time (and he is honest???). He told me stories of times that he has thought about me and wished that he knew where I was and that he could talk to me. He talked about how he tried to contact me and things (and people) got in the way, so he thought that was just for the best (what is the best?). He talked about how he felt when I was born and what that was like. He just sounded normal. He just wanted to catch up and see what I was like. He wanted to talk about what he was doing and then wanted me to do that same. He was calling me sweetie by the end of the conversation and that somehow did not sound weird. It was almost comfortable. I don't know how else to say it other than He just seemed easy, sweet, gentle and caring. It almost seemed to easy to talk to him. I found myself not wanting to get off the phone, not wanting the moment to end. Surely there is more to say, something else to talk about, another story to tell... and yet there had to be an end. The goodbye that I did not want to hear. The "I have to be going now and get to bed" that I was dreading.... then as quickly as the conversation started, it now ended. There I am, in the truck, alone once again. And yet, this time it was different.