Anger

So, in the midst of all my "stuff", my husband is having some issues with his family. I have to say that it has been a nice distraction from all my shit, but I hate it for him. It is so hard to see someone you love hurt. Not just hurt, but hurt deeply. I just don't understand people. I don't understand anger and bitterness and how it is tied to and rooted in people. Don't you know that your anger and bitterness affect everyone around you? You are not an island! Your decisions do not just affect you, they affect everyone around you! If you are angry and bitter, get over it. Let go of it and give it to the Lord! He can take it.
I have a friend, a close friend, whose marriage is being ripped apart by anger, bitterness and envy (and underneath it all...pride). She is hurting and I have to watch it and hear it and touch it. I hate it. I hate that she is hurting and I hate that I can not help, can not change it, can not make it better. It just sucks. But, I do what I can, I talk to her, I cry with her, I pray for her.......but I also pray for her husband. I pray that he will let go of the anger and bitterness, that he will see who he really is. I pray that he will see how selfish he is being and that he will realize, not everything is about him! I pray that he will take a long hard look at what he is doing to his children. I also pray this for my in-laws. That they will let go of their anger and bitterness, that they will see who they really are (and who they are in Christ) and that they will take a long hard look at what they are doing to their family.

waiting

how do you maintain daily life when you are waiting for something that you know is BIG. I don't mean waiting for a pizza to come out of the oven or waiting for the best movie in the world to come to theatres. I mean....something Big! I am waiting for my dad to call. This call will be big if and only if it happens. But, I have to admit, I really want it to happen. I want to be important to him. I don't want to have to say for the rest of my life that it was "just a honor to be nominated". I know that the phone conversation was awesome and that it was so much better than I could have ever expected, but now I find myself expecting more. Yikes! That is so scary. I don't want to expect him to call. I don't want to expect him to say "I'm here in town and I want to have that Hamburger". But I do..... and that is what I am waiting on. How do you wait? I don't do it very well. I have the tendency to only think of that one thing while I am waiting (or obsessing). I know that that is not a good thing, and yet I continue to do it.I try to imagine what he really looks like and what he would wear if we ever do get to have that Hamburger? What would he say, better yet, what would I say. Where would I meet him? What would I wear? Too bad I haven't lost those couple of pounds....would I leave my hair down....would I take Terry with me........or go it alone? OK, this is going nowhere, but see what I mean. I try to think of every senario in my head to occupy me while I am waiting.....but really I just want him to call.

The girl in the window

I went and talked to my counselor today. She said something that hasn't left me. She said I need to stop being the girl in the window looking into what others want me to be and really focus on what the Lord wants for me. What He has designed me to be. I am not sure what that is, but I know what she means. I need to stop worrying about doing what others expect of me. I have always thought that I had to live up to what others expect, no matter how high those expectations are! How can one person do all that you say? My point exactly! I can not be all that my mother expects, I can not always do what my friends would like for me to, I feel like I let down my kids all the time and I certainly don't have all that it takes to be the woman of God that I see in the scriptures.....but I guess I am finally starting to come to the conclusion that this is not what the Lord expects. He just wants me to do what I can.....strive to be like Him, talk to Him on a daily (or sometimes hourly) basis, love others, do the laundry, sing with my kids, have sex with my husband, cry with my friend, be humble, etc....etc... you get the point. He just expects me, but it has to be who I am in Christ......and that is all that He wants. He doesn't want me looking in the window at what I should be. He wants me to realize that he is standing right here with me, and He wants me to strive for what He has for me, and just me!

11 years

I can not believe that Terry and I have been married for 11 years. We went out for dinner tonight and all I could think about what the day that we got married. We had no money, but we were so happy! I could not stop smiling on that day. I just knew that the Lord had something wonderful in store for us. I could never have imagined that we would be here. Here in a place where we both are growing together and have changed to compliment each other even more. A place where we have four small children that keep us falling in the floor laughing and then in the next minute bring us to tears. A place where we see Jesus in each other and try to gently tell each other when we don't. I love my husband and I just can't stop thinking about where I would be without him. I am in a rough place right now with all that I am going through (my past, my dad, my therapy...enough said) and Terry has just been right there through all of it and promises that he is ready for more. My mind almost does not comprehend that, but it is true and daily I try to understand why he loves me that much.

the Hamburger

When I talked to my dad, he said that he was coming to in town sometime in November. Then he asked (or did I) Do you want to get together? He said that we need to at least get together and have a hamburger.... a Hamburger? What does that mean? Is that his way of wanting to get to know me, or just lead me to think he wants to know me. A hamburger can be so many things. It can be a quick drive through Mickey D's window or a nice lunch out on a patio with homemade fries and a big glass of sweet tea. The first meaning nothing except that is all you have time for and the latter meaning you want to hang out and talk, really talk about important things over continuous refills of sweet tea. I, of course, quickly agreed that I would love to get together and he should just let me know when he was coming in town and then we could get together. I told him that I would love to meet him face to face and see how we look alike, or talk alike, or have the same smile. I would just love it (more than he would ever know!). However, now that I have totally over thought this conversation, I am beginning to doubt that he will call. I mean, he doesn't have to. He can never talk to me again and more than likely be fine with it. I mean, he has lived for 32 years or so without talking or seeing me, so what is different now? Am I different? Will it change my life if he doesn't call? Will it change my life if he does? Then I came to a conclusion: Even if I never talk to him again, this was the best that I could have ever wanted this conversation to be. I could not have dreamed it any better. The words were perfect, the way he sounded was perfect, the timing was perfect, the fact that he seemed to care was perfect, the way he called me sweetie when he said goodbye was perfect, the way he seemed to want more was perfect. What more could I want? But, guess what? I do want more. I want to him to call me. I want to meet him. I want that Hamburger!

The Next Page

The following conversation that I am going to write about still does not seem real to me. I know in my head that it happened and yet, my heart still lives in disbelief. I have talked to my dad. The man that helped give life to me. He was there when I was born and there when I took my first step, there when I cried at night, there when I turned one and ate all that cake, just there... but only for a time. The last time that he saw me was when I was around 18 months old. He can recount the day like it was yesterday (yes that freaked me out a little!) He remembered a lot with me on the phone. He asked if I still had that Black curly hair and those big brown eyes. He asked if I was married and did I have any kids. and then came the big question...........Are you happy? I of course told him YES! I have a wonderful life with a husband that loves me for who I am and four unbelievable children that constantly amaze me and great friends that I love dearly and somehow seem to also love me. But, then the pause............I started to think about what I don't have. Well, never mind Jim, let's not go there. That is not what I want this phone conversation to be about. Tell me about you.....who are you? He is a simple man that loves to work and play a little golf here and there. He is married again and has been for 24 years (what?!?!?!) He thinks about me often. He said that he did not want to BS me and tell me that he thought about me all the time (and he is honest???). He told me stories of times that he has thought about me and wished that he knew where I was and that he could talk to me. He talked about how he tried to contact me and things (and people) got in the way, so he thought that was just for the best (what is the best?). He talked about how he felt when I was born and what that was like. He just sounded normal. He just wanted to catch up and see what I was like. He wanted to talk about what he was doing and then wanted me to do that same. He was calling me sweetie by the end of the conversation and that somehow did not sound weird. It was almost comfortable. I don't know how else to say it other than He just seemed easy, sweet, gentle and caring. It almost seemed to easy to talk to him. I found myself not wanting to get off the phone, not wanting the moment to end. Surely there is more to say, something else to talk about, another story to tell... and yet there had to be an end. The goodbye that I did not want to hear. The "I have to be going now and get to bed" that I was dreading.... then as quickly as the conversation started, it now ended. There I am, in the truck, alone once again. And yet, this time it was different.

A Talk in the Truck

OK, picture this in your mind: I am sitting in our truck which is in our garage in the middle of the night.....boy that sounds bad doesn't it :o) I was talking on the phone and this was the only place that I could go to have this very BIG talk. I knew that if I stayed in the house that I would only pace and halfway through this conversation I would be so out of breath that I could barely talk (yes I have done this before). I am sitting in the truck and dialing the number, careful to check the number multiple times before I press the send button. Then it rings.....and then again...etc, etc. What...........No Answer??? Now, I know that the Lord did not bring me to this point with this number and then ...No Answer?? I walked into the house defeated. Terry was waiting patiently trying not to ask for fear of the worst. "No Answer." I said and the pain was in both of our faces. Yes, don't worry, just try again in a little while. That is what I am going to do...that's the plan. Well, let's just say that this happened a few more times and by nine at night, I emerged from the garage officially rejected! It was done. He did not want to answer the phone much less even talk to me. It was all a big fluke. I mean, did I really think that I was going to get to actually talk to my dad. The one and only. The dad that left me over 30 years ago, the one that hurt my mom so badly, the one that never.......... wait someone is calling me...........it's HIM! He is calling me back?????? My dad is calling me back. Wait! I'm not in the truck..I have to run to the truck and then I can answer. No! Terry says, You have to answer it now! So, I do and a whole new chapter is started in my life.....turn page.

Do I call?

My Dad's old friend called me this morning. I had called him to see if he knew where my dad was. He was the only one that I knew that MAYBE knew something about my dad. He was not sure about anything but promised me that he was here to help and then quickly told me that he would make some phone calls and then get back to me. OK, let me just admit that I never in a million years thought that he was going to call me back. I just did not have a good feeling about it, SOOOOOOOooooooo when the phone rang a week later and it was him let's just say that I was shocked! Anyway, he told me that he had gotten up with my dad's twin brother (he has a brother?? and it is his TWIN brother! What?! OK, quickly regroup!) He and his wife live in Charlotte and they know just how to get up with your dad! WHAT?!? I was visibly shaken and had to sit down. You mean, they know where he is and are expecting my call today? They can't wait to talk to me and tell me how to get up with my dad? I could not get off the phone fast enough. I said my thank yous quickly so as to get off the phone as soon as possible. Randy graciously complied and then there I was with a phone number that would lead to info on my dad. I am not sure that I am ready for this. I mean, am I really prepared? OK Wini, enough excuses, just call already. I am dying here. I made the call and the person on the other line related to me by blood proceeded to tell me about my dad and where he was living and that he wanted me to call him. Oh, and here is his number .........again, I quickly went through the thank yous as I had done before, only with a little more feeling. I had to get off this phone so that I could stare at this number. Finally, goodbyes were said and then there I was... left alone, with his number....Oh Lord, help me...what should I do?

A Father's Arms

So, today my mom found the pics that she has been looking for. They are of my real dad. I have now looked at them for the 500th time and I still don't think I really see who he is. I should point out that the pics are not that great,you know what I mean....they are from the 70's. They are little squares with some blurred image that I should recognize and yet.....I don't. The few that were given are small but they do show his face. It seems like a sweet and tender face, not at all like the monster that my mom portrayed him as. As I look at this pic of him holding me, he does not look uncomfortable. He is holding me in the cradle of his arm. He is looking at me, almost smiling with a gentle look in his eyes. I mean, it looks just like a pic I have of Terry holding one of our children. It looks normal.... well maybe not, it looks real. I know, I know the stories that my mom has told are awful, horrible and just painful. But,even with all that I can look at these pics from 1974 and see a Daddy. Funny isn't it, the things that change over the years. She can only remember him as evil and now I strain to see the glimpse of a Father.

God showed up!

Have you ever been really needing to see the hand of God and then, BAM! He shows up? I was walking down my driveway with my mother, knowing that I need to have this very hard conversation with her, and then God was there....... or maybe what I should say is... I saw God. He has not left me, but His presence was so obvious to me as I stood there knowing this was the time to talk to my mom. This was it. God was saying "Go For It!" and I was hesitating. In that moment was when I felt the Lord beside me, He was there. His strength was there and I felt it like I never had before. So, I went for it! I told my mom that I was searching for my Bio dad and that I wanted to find him. OK, here it comes. I know just what she is going to say....OK.....any minute now. But, guess what.. There was nothing!?! What? Is this my mother? What, you are OK with the fact that I want to find my dad? What? You are glad for me to do it and you knew this time would come someday? Who the hell is this? This is not my mother, you are some alien that has taken over her body! But, I was wrong...it was not an alien...it was GOD! He was there preparing my mom for all that I was going to say. I was stunned! For the first time in my life I saw (and felt) that I was important enough for God to show up! He loves me! He wants me to find my dad and He is helping me. He is real and when we ask Him to show up...Big things happen!