A Talk in the Truck

OK, picture this in your mind: I am sitting in our truck which is in our garage in the middle of the night.....boy that sounds bad doesn't it :o) I was talking on the phone and this was the only place that I could go to have this very BIG talk. I knew that if I stayed in the house that I would only pace and halfway through this conversation I would be so out of breath that I could barely talk (yes I have done this before). I am sitting in the truck and dialing the number, careful to check the number multiple times before I press the send button. Then it rings.....and then again...etc, etc. What...........No Answer??? Now, I know that the Lord did not bring me to this point with this number and then ...No Answer?? I walked into the house defeated. Terry was waiting patiently trying not to ask for fear of the worst. "No Answer." I said and the pain was in both of our faces. Yes, don't worry, just try again in a little while. That is what I am going to do...that's the plan. Well, let's just say that this happened a few more times and by nine at night, I emerged from the garage officially rejected! It was done. He did not want to answer the phone much less even talk to me. It was all a big fluke. I mean, did I really think that I was going to get to actually talk to my dad. The one and only. The dad that left me over 30 years ago, the one that hurt my mom so badly, the one that never.......... wait someone is calling me...........it's HIM! He is calling me back?????? My dad is calling me back. Wait! I'm not in the truck..I have to run to the truck and then I can answer. No! Terry says, You have to answer it now! So, I do and a whole new chapter is started in my life.....turn page.

Do I call?

My Dad's old friend called me this morning. I had called him to see if he knew where my dad was. He was the only one that I knew that MAYBE knew something about my dad. He was not sure about anything but promised me that he was here to help and then quickly told me that he would make some phone calls and then get back to me. OK, let me just admit that I never in a million years thought that he was going to call me back. I just did not have a good feeling about it, SOOOOOOOooooooo when the phone rang a week later and it was him let's just say that I was shocked! Anyway, he told me that he had gotten up with my dad's twin brother (he has a brother?? and it is his TWIN brother! What?! OK, quickly regroup!) He and his wife live in Charlotte and they know just how to get up with your dad! WHAT?!? I was visibly shaken and had to sit down. You mean, they know where he is and are expecting my call today? They can't wait to talk to me and tell me how to get up with my dad? I could not get off the phone fast enough. I said my thank yous quickly so as to get off the phone as soon as possible. Randy graciously complied and then there I was with a phone number that would lead to info on my dad. I am not sure that I am ready for this. I mean, am I really prepared? OK Wini, enough excuses, just call already. I am dying here. I made the call and the person on the other line related to me by blood proceeded to tell me about my dad and where he was living and that he wanted me to call him. Oh, and here is his number .........again, I quickly went through the thank yous as I had done before, only with a little more feeling. I had to get off this phone so that I could stare at this number. Finally, goodbyes were said and then there I was... left alone, with his number....Oh Lord, help me...what should I do?

A Father's Arms

So, today my mom found the pics that she has been looking for. They are of my real dad. I have now looked at them for the 500th time and I still don't think I really see who he is. I should point out that the pics are not that great,you know what I mean....they are from the 70's. They are little squares with some blurred image that I should recognize and yet.....I don't. The few that were given are small but they do show his face. It seems like a sweet and tender face, not at all like the monster that my mom portrayed him as. As I look at this pic of him holding me, he does not look uncomfortable. He is holding me in the cradle of his arm. He is looking at me, almost smiling with a gentle look in his eyes. I mean, it looks just like a pic I have of Terry holding one of our children. It looks normal.... well maybe not, it looks real. I know, I know the stories that my mom has told are awful, horrible and just painful. But,even with all that I can look at these pics from 1974 and see a Daddy. Funny isn't it, the things that change over the years. She can only remember him as evil and now I strain to see the glimpse of a Father.

God showed up!

Have you ever been really needing to see the hand of God and then, BAM! He shows up? I was walking down my driveway with my mother, knowing that I need to have this very hard conversation with her, and then God was there....... or maybe what I should say is... I saw God. He has not left me, but His presence was so obvious to me as I stood there knowing this was the time to talk to my mom. This was it. God was saying "Go For It!" and I was hesitating. In that moment was when I felt the Lord beside me, He was there. His strength was there and I felt it like I never had before. So, I went for it! I told my mom that I was searching for my Bio dad and that I wanted to find him. OK, here it comes. I know just what she is going to say....OK.....any minute now. But, guess what.. There was nothing!?! What? Is this my mother? What, you are OK with the fact that I want to find my dad? What? You are glad for me to do it and you knew this time would come someday? Who the hell is this? This is not my mother, you are some alien that has taken over her body! But, I was wrong...it was not an alien...it was GOD! He was there preparing my mom for all that I was going to say. I was stunned! For the first time in my life I saw (and felt) that I was important enough for God to show up! He loves me! He wants me to find my dad and He is helping me. He is real and when we ask Him to show up...Big things happen!

Am I crazy?

so, the journey is beginning
I am making the effort to try and find my bio dad. I must be crazy?!?! What am I thinking? Well, I have to know. I have to know if he thinks about me. I have to know if he every wished that he knew me....knew my kids. I just have to know. I realize that this is not going to "fix" any of my issues. I have come to terms with the fact that this is not who I am. This dad, or man, is just a part of me and my history, nothing more. Now, that can change, but right now, that is all this is.

He loves me... He loves me not?

I am starting to think that I have a hard time accepting love. Well, certain expressions of love. I love getting a card and have never had a hard time receiving a gift, but what about the love that matters. You know, from the big guy upstairs. How do you accept true love...agape love from God? Is it just a switch that you turn on and then **poof** you can accept his love from any available source, or it is more than that? I have always wanted to be loved, by anyone really. I wanted to just be wanted, be loved, be cared for or about, be pursued, be longed for, be the last piece of the puzzle....to complete someone. Maybe it is just all about being worth the LOVE. I want to be worth it for God. I want Him to want me, want to love me, want to have a talk with me, want to take a walk with me, want to cry with me, want to do laundry with me, want to be intimate with me. That love, that intimacy.....that is what somehow seems unattainable. That love that I have desired my whole life and God has waiting for me, but............ It is just out of my reach. I am on my tippie toes, trying so hard to reach it on that top shelf. I am close enough to see it, but just not big enough to reach it.

First Day of School

Well, I now have two girls in school and I just can not believe it!. Haven is starting the First Grade and Lauren is starting Kindergarten. They are just getting too big for me. I love it though. They both seemed a little nervous and Haven had a hard time sleeping, but they both made it there on time and seemed very excited to be there! However, Mom is a whole other story. I am sad to seem them go off to the first day of school. I am going to miss them and all that comes with them. The smiles, the laughs, the silly comments at the table during lunch, the quiet whispers of special ideas during nap time, the feeling that I feel when they tell me that they love me so, so much. I love it all and I am going to miss it...........that is until 2:30 when the school bell rings and I am once again the mother of four :o)

Burnin'

These are the words to a song by Nicole Nordeman that is just right with my soul right now:

Started rubbing sticks together
I thought a spark would take forever
I never dreamt this fire would appear

When Moses saw the Bush in flames
And heard the branches speak his name
I wonder if he felt this kind of fear

'Cause I'm burnin'
Yeah, I'm burnin'
And I know I'm gonna blister in these flames
So I'll stay here
'Till this smoke clears
And I'll find you in the ashes that remain

Used to be that I could say
My faith was one arm's length away
From any flame that ever felt too warm

Asked for matches, but I received
A gallon full of gasoline
Now my cozy campfire days are gone

'Cause I'm burnin'
Yeah I'm burnin'
And I know I'm gonna blister in these flames
So I'll stay here
'Till this smoke clears
And I'll find you in the ashes that remain

'Knock with caution at the door'
They said, 'Beware of what you're praying for'

So I'll stand here with my whole desire
In the middle of this forest fire
'Till I've nothing left to show
And new life begins to grow...

'Cause I'm burnin'
Yeah, I'm burnin'
And I know I'm gonna blister in these flames
So I'll stay here
'Till this smoke clears
And I'll find you in the ashes that remain

The Plunge

When I started this whole journey to be free I would have never thought that it would bring me to this place. This is so much more that I bargained for, but I am glad that the Lord has brought me here. I am standing at the edge of the cliff and the Lord is asking me to jump....but you know me, I am hesitating. I am not sure that I want all this "freedom" that He talks about. All this "grace" that He so freely gives......oh and yea, He promises to LOVE me all the time, no strings attached. What?!? But, I have to walk through this Forest Fire first. There will be pain and I know that these flames are going to blister my soul...... but the Lord promises Healing of all that, but I have to take the first step. I have to jump off the cliff into the fire. I have to be willing to get burned and have all the pain, only then will there be Freedom. Only then, will I truly experience the LOVE of God. That is the only way that I can receive it. Why has it taken me this long to get to the edge? To realize what I have been searching for? I looked for this in so many places.....in drugs, in drinking, in rebelling, in the beds of countless men.........and it was there the whole time. He was there the whole time, just waiting......waiting on me to be ready. So, here I am on this edge and I am actually thinking of jumping......am I crazy? Yes, I am but I am jumping in a fire that will free me! Jesus, hold my hand and we can jump together! I am ready!

A Hard Conversation

OK, Have you ever had to have a really tough conversation with someone and you just don't want to do it?
Well, I have to have one of these conversations with my mom and I just don't want to do it. I have to talk to her about some pretty tough stuff and I know that she is going to be hurt and get angry and all the other "common signs" that she feels threatened by what I have to talk to her about. I have to admit that I am fearful to have this conversation with her. I am afraid of what she is going to say back to me. I am afraid of how it is going to make her feel. I am afraid that she will take everything I say VERY personally. I am afraid that she is going to react badly and that it will DRASTICALLY affect our relationship......however surface it is. I am afraid! Now, my counsel would tell me that I am not responsible for how she reacts, I am just responsible for my side of the relationship and how I deal with it. Well, that is a ton of comfort...no really, it is. Ok, maybe not so much, but it is the truth and that is all that I have to stand on. This is the reality : I am not responsible for how she feels and what she takes away from this conversation. I can only speak the truth and be honest with her. Why is that so hard for me? Or should I say, Why is that so hard for me with my mom? I need to be honest with her about how angry I am with her. I have to tell her....I am ANGRY with you! You have HURT me! You have LIED to me! I feel BETRAYED by you! Yeah, sure....I can do that?!? Oh Jesus, help me, I am so afraid!