Our View!

I just had to blog about Disney World! I mean, the magic is real. We are having the time of our lives (and that's just Terry and I :o) The kids are beside themselves they are having so much fun and I have to admit, I never thought that it would be so much fun just to watch them having fun....does that make sense...oh well, you know what I mean. The picture that I am posting is the view from our hotel room...I mean we are within a five minute walk to the Magic Kingdom (which might I add definitely lives up to it's name!) I love this, I love doing this with my family. I love all of it!

Christmas has come early for our family. We are off to Disney World in FL to have a grand time for a whole eight days!! I have to admit that it is a welcome break from all the stuff that I am attempting to process through. I will only have to think of whether to ride Dumbo or Peter Pan for the next eight days. I can't wait. That is the kind of burden that I live for :o) So, I will say Hi to the big Mouse for you all and see you after Christmas!

so?

So, everyone wants to know......how does all this make you feel? I have come to one conclusion very quick (even for me since I am a VERY LONG processor). I have come to realize that I needed more. Well, you say, that tells me nothing! Let me explain...
I know that Christ is supposed to complete me, to fill me up, to be my sufficiency. However, I have to admit that I was yearning for more, for something else, although, had you asked me I would not have been able to place what that thing was. I have been living my life with no answer, no reason to all that pain that has come from my childhood. Why did my dad leave? Was it me, or something else? I have no idea...
I met with my dad and I have to admit, my life is different. I know that Christ is supposed to be enough, but right now, in my little piece of the world, meeting my dad was life-changing. I am a different person. I see myself in a new way. The question if I looked like him?.... do I act like him?....is he funny like me?....is he a good man?... does he know me?
Well, now I know. I know that he wanted to see me and that he tried to. I was wanted. He wanted to know me , to see pics of me. He wants a daughter, a daughter named Wini....even better.

Me and My Dad

So, you know me, I had to bring my camera when I went to meet my dad. I thought you guys would love to see a pic of me and him! Do you think that we look alike? I would love to hear what you think :o)

went for a Hamburger, came out with a Crabcake

I just knew that I was going to puke! I was sitting in our truck waiting for Terry to open my door so that I could enter a new chapter in the novel of my life. I was getting ready to meet my dad, Jim. Who would have thought, I mean, have you read the past few entries in my blog? This was a lost cause... The fire was out, the trail was cold....all hope was gone. And then GOD enters from stage right. All the sudden here I am getting ready to meet him. I mean, really meet him. I have to stop thinking about this or I really am going to puke! We walk into the restaurant, he is already there waiting on us. Will I know which older man he is, will I be able to pick him out of the crowd?....Do I see him? Yes, there in the back. I picked him out (that was weird) I knew it was him immediately! He looked nice and....he had a HUGE smile on his face....ok stay calm...WOW, he is really tall...oh crap I think that he is going to hug me...ok, I have let go and he is still hugging me. This is weird, but somehow comfortable and I think ...well, let's not go there yet. Jim immediately started talking about his trip down and there was no pause in the conversation after that. It was great. We talked about his life, all that he has done, the jobs that he has had, his wife, the traveling they have done, and on and on and on. He wanted to know all about the kids and why I stayed at home with them. He was interested in finding things that we had in common. I could not stop staring at him (I am sure that he thought that I was a freak) but every time I looked at him I saw some other way that I looked like him or talked like him. He told me all about his family and what it was like for him growing up. Before I knew it lunch was over and we weren't done talking. Thankfully Terry suggested walking over to Starbucks...Jim quickly agreed and we were off. We sat outside at Starbucks and talked for another two hours and as it quickly became time for us to go, I am not sure that either one of us wanted to part ways. Jim asked for my address and I wanted his too, but forgot to ask for it in all the excitement. We exchanged all our important info and hugged while we said good bye. Through misty eyes and a quick laugh, Jim (my dad:o) suggested that he did not want it to be as long before we saw each other again. I laughed, but only to hide the fact that I was getting emotional. I needed to get out of there quick. But, Jim would not have it. He had to hug me another two or three times, and then finally released me to say goodbye. It was hard for both of us, but we got in our separate trucks. As he pulled out, he waved and honked the horn for the final farewell and then, he was gone. I could still smell him on my shirt and it made me miss him already. All I could think about was one thing that he had told me. He came down here just to see me. I loved my lunch with Jim....with my dad.ok, so it wasn't the hamburger and sweet tea that I was expecting...instead it was a crab cake with ice water that sat long enough to make a ring of condensation on the tablecloth.

Are you sitting down?

My dad called today. No, I am not kidding. I know, I know...your mouth is on the floor. Well, mine was too. I was in the Dr office with my son and I got a call. Well, I was talking to the nurse and did not even look to see who it was. She walked out of the room and I picked up my phone. 1 missed call it said. I hit the button and JIM clicked up..... What?! This must be wrong. My phone says that JIM called. I shut the phone and laid it down....and then it happened. BEEP...BEEP...BEEP... You guessed it, I had a voicemail. Are you serious? He left me a message?!? ok....ok...what should I do? Should I listen to it now....here in the middle of the Dr office or should I wait?...yes that is what I will do... I will wait. Oh shit, I can't wait. I want to know what he wants, or what he said. No, be realistic Wini, what if it is bad (always my first thought:O) I am not going to want that kind of news here in the middle of a Dr office. No, let's try to be an adult and just be patient.....Oh, I have never been good at this kind of thing, this waiting thing. I just don't have it.....well, not a lot of it. So, I do what needs to be done with the Dr and then get out to the truck. Here I sit, yet again, in my truck looking at my phone to answer so many of the childhood issues of my life. I click the button to listen to the voicemail. Hey Wini, this is your....I am on my....just wanted to.... No, I am not kidding. I was ready to throw this damn phone out the window and across the parking lot. Mine or His phone's signal was bad when he left the message. I could not hear one thing that he was saying.....You have got to be kidding me!! Is there ever anything in my life that is easy?? So, I decided, well, I have come this far. I might as well call him back.....now, what to say...oh, screw it...don't think about it Wini, just call him. And that is just what I did. Ring....Ring....Hello? Hey Wini, I just wanted to let you know that I am on my way into town and I just didn't know if you would have some time this weekend to get together? I almost hit the median!

Disappointment

So, the weekend has come and gone and my hope has now faded. Well, not just faded, but totally disappeared! I really did not think that he was going to call.....but even if it is not what you expect, you still want it. I wanted him to call. I wanted to be important enough. I wanted to be worth it, just this one time. But, as it turns out, my gut was right. All I will ever have will be the talk in the truck. Not sure that is what I want to have to tell my kids.......Kids, your Granddad was a sweet man....he could really turn it on while talking on the phone.....What? What does he look like?...well, I have no idea. What? Where does he live?...well, I have no idea. What? Why doesn't he come to visit?.....well, I have no idea. OK, maybe that is not the right perspective, but do you blame me? I wanted my mom to be wrong. I know that she thinks that he is an a**, but I wanted him to prove her wrong. I wanted him to show that he is different, that he is a good guy, that he did want a relationship with me, that he was pushed away all those years, that he did not just walk away and never look back. But now, after giving me the talk in the truck, he has walked away again, and left me with nothing but disappointment.

Anger

So, in the midst of all my "stuff", my husband is having some issues with his family. I have to say that it has been a nice distraction from all my shit, but I hate it for him. It is so hard to see someone you love hurt. Not just hurt, but hurt deeply. I just don't understand people. I don't understand anger and bitterness and how it is tied to and rooted in people. Don't you know that your anger and bitterness affect everyone around you? You are not an island! Your decisions do not just affect you, they affect everyone around you! If you are angry and bitter, get over it. Let go of it and give it to the Lord! He can take it.
I have a friend, a close friend, whose marriage is being ripped apart by anger, bitterness and envy (and underneath it all...pride). She is hurting and I have to watch it and hear it and touch it. I hate it. I hate that she is hurting and I hate that I can not help, can not change it, can not make it better. It just sucks. But, I do what I can, I talk to her, I cry with her, I pray for her.......but I also pray for her husband. I pray that he will let go of the anger and bitterness, that he will see who he really is. I pray that he will see how selfish he is being and that he will realize, not everything is about him! I pray that he will take a long hard look at what he is doing to his children. I also pray this for my in-laws. That they will let go of their anger and bitterness, that they will see who they really are (and who they are in Christ) and that they will take a long hard look at what they are doing to their family.

waiting

how do you maintain daily life when you are waiting for something that you know is BIG. I don't mean waiting for a pizza to come out of the oven or waiting for the best movie in the world to come to theatres. I mean....something Big! I am waiting for my dad to call. This call will be big if and only if it happens. But, I have to admit, I really want it to happen. I want to be important to him. I don't want to have to say for the rest of my life that it was "just a honor to be nominated". I know that the phone conversation was awesome and that it was so much better than I could have ever expected, but now I find myself expecting more. Yikes! That is so scary. I don't want to expect him to call. I don't want to expect him to say "I'm here in town and I want to have that Hamburger". But I do..... and that is what I am waiting on. How do you wait? I don't do it very well. I have the tendency to only think of that one thing while I am waiting (or obsessing). I know that that is not a good thing, and yet I continue to do it.I try to imagine what he really looks like and what he would wear if we ever do get to have that Hamburger? What would he say, better yet, what would I say. Where would I meet him? What would I wear? Too bad I haven't lost those couple of pounds....would I leave my hair down....would I take Terry with me........or go it alone? OK, this is going nowhere, but see what I mean. I try to think of every senario in my head to occupy me while I am waiting.....but really I just want him to call.

The girl in the window

I went and talked to my counselor today. She said something that hasn't left me. She said I need to stop being the girl in the window looking into what others want me to be and really focus on what the Lord wants for me. What He has designed me to be. I am not sure what that is, but I know what she means. I need to stop worrying about doing what others expect of me. I have always thought that I had to live up to what others expect, no matter how high those expectations are! How can one person do all that you say? My point exactly! I can not be all that my mother expects, I can not always do what my friends would like for me to, I feel like I let down my kids all the time and I certainly don't have all that it takes to be the woman of God that I see in the scriptures.....but I guess I am finally starting to come to the conclusion that this is not what the Lord expects. He just wants me to do what I can.....strive to be like Him, talk to Him on a daily (or sometimes hourly) basis, love others, do the laundry, sing with my kids, have sex with my husband, cry with my friend, be humble, etc....etc... you get the point. He just expects me, but it has to be who I am in Christ......and that is all that He wants. He doesn't want me looking in the window at what I should be. He wants me to realize that he is standing right here with me, and He wants me to strive for what He has for me, and just me!