Cut at the Knees

Have you ever been in a conversation with someone and then you get the signal? You know what I am talking about, the signal. The signal that they DO NOT want to talk about the subject that you are asking about. Has it ever happened to you with someone that you really love and care about? You know, when you are asking a really tough question, but you are trying really hard to do it in love and with understanding and compassion, but you are just cut at the knees.......left cold in the wind......stopped right in your tracks. That happened to me today. I am sad. I want to be so real, so deep with this person, but they are just not there and it hurts my heart. I am not sure what to do, but love them where they are. But, is that it? I want to do more, be proactive, make the hard decisions...................and yet, I know that the Lord is just saying .....Love her like I do! Help!

What file?

I found out some info on my Bio Dad today and I am not sure how to file it in my head. I mean, do you file it under the dad that left, or how about the man I never knew. What about the guy that I wished that I could call dad, or maybe the one that was never there. I could put him in an old file like People I want to meet, or The ones that I could spend hours asking questions to, or what about the great old file of Family I would love to meet
OK, so even if I did know what file I want to put it in, I still have no idea how I feel about any of the info that I received. Does it make me want to see him, or find him I should say. Or does it make me even more angry at him than I was to begin with. A year ago (pre-couseling) I would have said that I have NO desire to meet him or see him or even know where he is. But now............ well, now I have no idea what I think or how I feel. I am NOT USED to feeling this way. What do I do with this? It is like my head and my heart have no idea where to put this? ...does not compute....does not compute....

A New Perspective

Have you ever always looked at something in one way. I mean, like your whole life, which in my case is over 30 years. I have always thought one way about this pretty big person from my past and now thanks to my counselor, I have a totally new perspective????? What do I do with that? I now have no idea how to even feel about this person? I mean, how do you change how you feel about someone, when you have been feeling that way for 30+ years? I do not even know where to begin. This person is not even in my life right now, but if I change the way that I think about them, they could be? Do I even want that, or want to even think about it? I think that I always considered myself to be pretty open to change, but now am I? Am I a person that is willing to change her perspective? I want to be. I want the Lord or the Truth to be able to change how I see something or someone. I want to be that. Lord, please help me to know how to look at this person the right way.....now after 30 years of doing it the wrong way.

Trip to the Land of 10,000 Lakes

So, they say that there are 10,000 lakes in Minn. I have to say that I believe them. I flew up there this past week to visit the best Canadian that I know and that is my friend and fellow Christ follower, Paula Taylor. Love her so much that there are just not words! It has been over a year since I have seen her and we were WAY OVERDUE for a visit. We did all the great Wini-Paula things......went to eat, shopped a little, went to eat again, she showed me IKEA (the new mother ship), then we ate again, we talked and cried together, then we ate again. This was just repeated every day that I was there (except for Sunday in which Worshipping the Lord would be inserted in between the eat and the shop :o) I mean, it just does not get any better :o) I love Paula and I am blessed to have her for a friend. There are pics coming soon!

Going to the Farm!

We just got back from our annual trip to Alabama to see Terry's Cousins! It was awesome! They live in the middle of nowhere on farm land in the Southeast corner of Alabama. We all love going there since we can get away from just about everything, meaning the computer, the TV, the internet and all that stuff! The kids love seeing all the animals and getting to play with all their cousins, which they only get to see during this trip! Terry and I love catching up with family and just escaping our reality of city life for awhile. Although, I have to say that I did miss my email and the Drudge Report. All in all, the visit was quite a success and Terry enjoyed his first time going with us! A big shout out and Thank You to all the Murphy family in AL....We love you guys!

Trip to Atlanta

We spent the weekend in Atlanta and it was awesome! We were on our way to Alabama and we decided to break up the trip and make a stop in Atlanta. We are so glad that we did! The kids loved Downtown and the Olympic Centennial Park. There is so much to see there that we are going to have to go back. We spent a lot of time just looking around and of course had to stop and eat and have ice cream! It ended up being a great Father's Day Treat for all of us!

Summer is Here!!

We are really enjoying school being out and just having fun all day and every day. We recently joined a pool and the kids have had so much fun going and playing in the water. Haven is really getting good at swimming across the pool and Lauren is getting there. Camden and Ashton are just enjoying the kiddie waterpark with the slides and fountains. I am just trying to soak it all it :o)

Boundaries

I am reading this book called "Boundaries" and it has brought a lot things to mind, like my entire life, as in without any boundaries. Not sure how I grew up without ever learning this, but I did. I am reading this book with shock on my face most of the time. It is explaining a lot of how my unhealthy relationships have developed that way because of my lack of boundaries. I let people manipulate me. Oh, for sure, if you met me in person you would never think that this is true. However, I am here to tell you that it is. I have a hard time saying No, or I don't think that is Right, or whatever you want to fill in that blank with. I somehow equate LOVE with saying YES. and I equate being UNLOVED or NOT LOVING with saying NO. Yes, I know that this sounds screwed up, but this is how I have lived the first 32 years of my life. All my childhood wounds (and teenage years wounds) have conditioned me to think this way. I am coming to terms with the fact that this single belief that I hold to has impacted me in so many ways........and in ways that I still have yet to see. That is scary! How do I change that about me? How do I, after 32 years of living this way, all the sudden just CHANGE? And that leads me to think....What was the Lord doing with me all these years. I know that He saw me while all this wounding was happening. I know that He was with me during all the pain. I know that He carried me when I could no longer put one foot in front of the other. I know all this, BUT why did He let it ever get that far?

Soccer Camp

Haven is in soccer camp this week and she is having so much fun! Two of her friends, Ragan and Savannah, went to camp with her. She is not sure if Soccer is the one sport that she wants to play in the fall, but she really liked the camp....and her camp coach, Coach Heidi!

Who am I?

As I walk through this journey of healing, I am starting to realize that this is more of a journey to find out who I am. Who did the Lord truly desire for me to be.....you know in the beginning, before all the crap, all the pain, all the hurt, and the baggage. I have seen a glimpse of the real me and not who others expect for me to be or act. It is both exciting and scary to realize this at the age of 32. Not sure what I am going to do with that, but I am on this journey for the long haul and God and me, we are going to figure this thing out!