four acre woods

He loves me...He loves me not?

2008-08-06T06:45:00.004-05:00

I often check on my kids at night right before I go to bed. It is just something that I have always done and now...it is mostly done out of ...well I just have always done it. I try to open their door as quietly as I possibly can and creep into the room without being heard. And then it happens...the first look at their face in the dim light of their mostly dark room and I am overwhelmed with love...pure, uncomplicated love. There is so much love in that moment that it is a struggle for me not to just scoop them up and kiss on them and hold them as tight at humanly possible without crushing them. I have really been dealing with the fact of Do I really believe that the Lord loves me...I mean, like really loves me. Do I truly think that He loves me so much that it is a battle for him not to scoop me up and hold me close in the middle of the night? Does He see me that way...or think of me like that? Last night as I began my nightly tour of the kids rooms it hit me. When I open that door and see their sweet face in the dim shadow of the nightlight...I am not thinking about the bad choice that they made at 3:03 that afternoon...or the clumsy spill of the ENTIRE milk carton onto the kitchen floor... or the unmerciful hitting of sisters with the pirate sword. I am not thinking of anything that they have or have not done. I just love them....right there in that moment it is not about anything BUT the fact that they are my kids and I love them so much just because.....well, just because they are mine! I was so overwhelmed at the picture that the Lord was unfolding right before my eyes....You want to know how I love you, Wini? Look at your kids.....How do you love them? I mean, does God have to stop Himself from kissing us because well, there is only so many kisses that a kid can take at one time? Does He cringe when He has to watch us make the same wrong choice over and over again? Does He cry with us over the silly boo-boo that somehow we think is going to end our ability to walk for the rest of our lives? Does His heart ache just to sit and talk with us...to share life with us? Last night I figured out the answer and guess what ....YES...He does love us like that! He wants to love us just because we are HIS. There is nothing that I can or can not do to make God love me or not love me. There is nothing that I can give Him, or do for Him to make He love me more.....There is nothing that I can chose to do, or sin that I can commit that can make Him love me any less! That is what GRACE is all about.....

Does God like Leopard Print?

2008-06-28T14:31:00.001-05:00

I was sitting in church and heard a man talk about how even the Lord can use Leopard Print nighties.....What did he just say?... I thought I did not hear him right, but as he continued with his story I realized that I had heard him quite clearly. His church takes anything that they can get their hands on or have donated to them and then they in turn, find who is in need and gives it to them. They have gotten some crazy things in the years that he has been there, but his favorite was the leopard print nighties. He was not sure how the Lord was going to use them, but he knew that He would. Sure enough there was a need and all the ladies in a community were completely blessed by the leopard print nighties. Who would have thought? As I sat there and listened to his recounting of this "ministry opportunity" I was blown away. God really can use anything.
I have to admit that there are many a time that I sit and wonder.....why don't I have a special gift that I can use for the kingdom. I would love to be able to sing, or play and instrument... or perhaps paint or write for the Lord. I would love to teach or share beautiful insights into the Word of God....and yet, I do not have any of those wonderful talents. I can get to the place where I focus so much on what I have not been blessed with that I miss what I can do for HIM. I want to be the leopard print nightie. I want to be the thing that people think can not be used by God, but He chooses to use in mighty ways anyway. I would love to surprise people by what I can do for him. I often think that my talent right now is being able to visit my Super Target with all four of my children, and all five of us not just survive the trip, but walk out with smiles.......or maybe my talent is my ability to feed an absurd amount of children PB & J in record time all before the whining starts :o).....or perhaps my talent is being able do 14 loads of laundry all in one day (yes, I have really done that!)............or maybe it is the ability to extend not just my lap, but also my love so that all four children feel a part of something special??
Either way, I know that He has things that only I can do and I want to make sure that my heart is willing and ready to tell Him.....You can have every part of me for whatever purpose you need it for, even my leopard print nightie. Besides, who am I to say what the Lord can use?

Hold on to your Fork!

2008-06-16T12:02:00.006-05:00

I was listening to a pastor named Perry Noble speak this past Sunday and he told a story about his late mom. She was the best cook ever and every Sunday they would come home from church and she would cook the best food...fried chicken, mashed potatoes, and of course biscuits. He would look forward to these meals and loved to sit and eat with his family. It did not take him long to clean his plate and his mom made a point to always be the one to take his plate to the kitchen. So, as she leaned over the table to reach for his plate, something miraculous would happen. She would say, "Perry, Hold on to your Fork!". Then he knew that something else was coming....Mom had something else in the kitchen that was even better than the meal that he had just devoured...what could it be? perhaps a chocolate cake or a
strawberry shortcake...or maybe, just maybe it was banana pudding....and Perry would sit at the table in complete anticipation of what Mom was going to bring out of the kitchen.
As I listened to Perry tell this story, I could only think of what kind of things that I anticipated. Then he asked a pretty big question....Do I anticipate BIG things from the Lord? I have not stopped thinking about that question and even asking myself if I did hold on to my fork. I think that we all have the choice to hold on to our forks or even to stay at the table. How many people have eaten a wonderful meal with the Father, but then only to leave before the best part comes out of the kitchen. They thought the meal was over....I mean, how could it get any better? Am I even listening to him say..."Hold on to your fork, Wini. Stay at the table with Me. I have so much more for you if you would just stay and fellowship with Me. I have many BIG things for you to do for Me. Please stay with Me, I love you and I want you to hold on to that fork, something so much better is coming."
Do you think that the Lord has accomplished all that He can with you or are you holding on to your fork in earnest anticipation of what He is going to do with you?
You know, we are so good at putting God in a box as to what He can and can't do, or what He will do and with who. We love rules....and somehow we think that it makes us better Christians to follow the rules and keep God in that box. But, I have to say that I know that my God, my Jesus is capable of SO MUCH MORE than I can ever dream of, He is BIGGER than anything that is going on with me or my family, He is STRONGER than any bondage that is keeping me from totally loving Him with my everything! I have not been in the kitchen, but I know that the Lord is in there and I am holding on to my fork to see what He is coming out with next!

Baggage Claim

2008-04-30T11:41:00.008-05:00

So, the baggage is still waiting for me to pick it back up....as soon as I think that it is finished and I can leave it, the baggage reminds me that it is still there. I know you are there. I'm not stupid. I just don't know what to do with you. I am trying to grow, trying to gain freedom from you, but you just sit there...waiting for me to pick you back up again. Enter Christ....I will take it from you, Wini. What?? You mean, you don't already have it? I mean, I laid it down quite some time ago and you still have not picked it up....I have had to keep moving it with me as I have changed and grown...where were you? Then a smile sweeps over His face and he gently cups my chin in His hands. Wini, you must give it to me..place it in my hands. You have to be the one to do it. You have to choose to place your burdens in my hands...only then can I carry them for you. Then the tears came...You mean all this time I have been carrying this baggage thinking that I had given it up, when I had only laid it down temporarily. I never really placed it in His hands, never really gave it up....Man, I am really good at that. I can sit anything down for awhile, but watch me closely. I will pick it right back up when no one is watching...or at least I thought no one was watching.

Redemption

2008-04-24T09:00:00.008-05:00

Today is a very special day to me. It is a day of redemption and celebration. I celebrate someone very close to my heart. I love her so much, if she only knew how much. Today I celebrate the time I had with her and rejoice for the time that may be to come. I can see God working in her life and that overwhelms my heart. I pray for her and that she will stay on the journey that the Lord has for her. Today I also celebrate the Lord's redemption, for He truly can bring beauty from ashes. I see this in her life. She is the beauty from the ashes and her beauty is made perfect through Him. I think about the role that the Lord had me play in her life and I feel so grateful! I am grateful for the time that I got with her and Praise the Lord every time I think of her. The Lord promises us that if we give our ashes to Him that He can bring beauty from them. Her life is a constant reminder of this....Thank you sweet one, May the Lord bring our paths together once more.

1 The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
because the LORD has anointed me
to preach good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners, [a]
2 to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,

3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD
for the display of his splendor.
Isaiah 61:1-3

Sin

2008-04-19T06:30:00.007-05:00

Doesn't seem interesting that no matter how old the sin, the consequences still apply. I did not grow up following Christ. I have to say that I grew up trying my hardest not follow Christ. I did not see the point. I mean, He was never going to love me anyway....I was too bad...did too many bad things (but that is a whole other post :o) Anyway, I had a ton to deal with when I came to Christ in my College years. Lots of baggage....think month long international flight. Now, Christ accepted me with all that baggage and did not even force me to deal with it all right then, or even the next week. And I still like to carry some of it around to this day, but I was thinking about something this morning. Why I am still dealing with consequences? The sin is old, I know that Christ has forgiven me. He no longer remembers it...why can't I be the same way. Why this bag? this sin? I just can not seem to let go of it. And somehow even when I want to let it go, something will happen and *poof* there it will be again. I know that there is freedom with Christ. I strive and desire to walk in that freedom every day, but why is it different with this sin on this day? Am I not walking in freedom, or is it just the journey that the Lord has me on? Why is this bag still on my shoulder?

Struggle

2008-03-05T20:22:00.001-05:00

If you don't have boys, then it may be hard for you to understand this post. My son has recently gotten into Transformers. His uncle loves them and has ignited the same passion in my son. Now with this true passion for these toys, also comes great frustration. You see, Cam is just not quite old enough to quickly figure out how to transform them. One morning I hear him grunting and throwing things in his room. As I walk down the hall, the new Transformer comes flying out the door. I pick it up and stand in the doorway of his room. "You need some help buddy?" ... I would love to just show you one thing...Just let me show you,let me help you. "No!" was all that I got. He did not even look up at me. So, I stood there, watching him struggle. "I can help, Cam, if you want me to..." Again, not even a glance up my way, just the flat "No!" As I looked at him struggling with every bone in his body, but still wanting to do it all by himself, I was hurt...I just wanted to help him. I know that he can do it, but he would not have to struggle so much if I helped him, doesn't he know that. Doesn't he trust that I am only trying to make it easier on him. I don't want to do it all for him, I just want to do it with him, to help him. And then it happened, I was immediately struck with how our Lord must feel as He watches us. How He must yearn and desire to help us, to walk with us. How hurt must He be when we do not even glance his direction....when we do not even acknowledge that He wants to help....when we shake our head and say..."No, no Lord, I've got this one. I'm good, I don't need you" ...or maybe when we do not answer Him at all. He sees us struggle and strain through all the mountains and valleys that we walk through. He doesn't want us to do that alone. He wants to be there with us.

Upstream

2008-02-27T16:24:00.001-05:00

Joshua 3:14-17 So when the people broke camp to cross the Jordan, the priests carrying the ark of the covenant went ahead of them. Now the Jordan is at flood stage all during harvest. Yet as soon as the priests who carried the ark reached the Jordan and their feet touched the water's edge, the water from upstream stopped flowing. It piled up in a heap a great distance away, at a town called Adam in the vicinity of Zarethan, while the water flowing down to the Sea of the Arabah (the Salt Sea [a] ) was completely cut off. So the people crossed over opposite Jericho. The priests who carried the ark of the covenant of the LORD stood firm on dry ground in the middle of the Jordan, while all Israel passed by until the whole nation had completed the crossing on dry ground.
I was in bible study this week and our leader brought up this passage. It really hit me for some reason. The priests had to take that step of faith. They had to trust that the Lord was working on things upstream. That is a really hard thing to do. I am not even sure that my little pinky toe would touch that water. They had the entire nation of Israel watching from the shore and they had to take that step of faith in front of all of them. How easy do you think that was? How easy is it for you? Do you trust that the Lord is working upstream for you?...that He has it all covered for you?...that when you take that step He will be there to make it all work out? I have to admit that this is something that I deeply struggle with. It is hard to just blindly trust that the Lord has got it covered. I can't see Him working upstream. I only see the water in front of me.

To be or not to be?

2008-02-20T16:24:00.012-05:00

I was at bible study this morning and we got into a discussion about testing and proving the Lord's will. How do we know what the Lord's will is? Is there a Cosmo test that we can take to tell us when we have the "perfect 10" relationship with the Lord or is it more of a feeling...Me and God, we are just so there with each other... I have to say that I don't see the Lord as our dictator, our Dr.Evil type that will suddenly open the trap door to the crocodiles if we pick the wrong choice and ...agh! down we go (please tell me that someone other than me has seen Austin Powers)! It might be nice to think we have a techno savvy God that will send us a supernatural email with the answer to all our questions, although I am not sure that is how He really works. Maybe I look for more of the Lightening bolt with a Post-it note on it...Pick Choice B Wini Love Ya-the Big Man. Wouldn't that be so nice? So, how does God tell us His will for our lives?
"Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart" (Ps. 37:4). Augustine said, "Love God and do as you please." Because if you're really loving God, you want to do what pleases him. - Randy Alcorn
For me, the jury is still out on what I really think about finding the True will of God, but... I do think that if we are in relationship with God and walk with Him daily...we will know. At least the decisions that matter. I don't really think that the Lord worries about what kind of MiniVan we buy or whether it is black or white. I think He cares much more about our Soul and whether we are in fellowship with Him, you know, giving our heart to Him daily. Cause if we are doing that, the obedience will just come, we will not have to wait on a PostIt Note.

Sharpening

2008-02-18T00:10:00.010-05:00

So, I have to say that I have always said that I want to be in community. I want the love, the growth, the depth, the authentic relationships that come with this type of Life-doing. I would also say that I have truly opened myself up to this type of community with my closest friends, but something happened tonight that I have to say stopped me in my tracks. I was pushed. My thoughts were challenged. I was pressed to be real and honest and it was....uncomfortable, hard, maybe even frustrating. I struggled and groaned at the thought of how to answer, much less give the answer that I knew was right. I was trying to ask for the check so to speak....OK I know that we are friends, but there are certain things that you just don't press on...What you are asking me is hard and I am not sure what to say. Now, most friends would have left the awkwardness, the uncomfortable situation and just turned the other way...but not these friends, and guess why. They truly care for me and we exist together in true community. I experienced tonight true friendship where I was challenged in love without judgement. I am sure that this is what Christ meant when He said, As iron sharpens iron... I felt sharpened tonight and not to say that it felt good and comfortable the whole time. But, I am growing because of it. Thank you my friends, I love that we are in community together and pray that the Lord keeps us on the same journey for long time.

I see a Change

2008-02-10T23:01:00.008-05:00

Something happened to me tonight that I will never forget. I was having a really hard day. Everyone in my family is sick (except me). I mean, it is so bad that I am almost wishing that I was sick just so I can get in bed, pull the covers over my head...you get the idea. I needed a break...big time. I am taking care of it all and I am done. Even Target at this point would have been a welcome break...anything would have worked. I was grasping for straws. Well, at this point, my two oldest decide that it would be a great day to pull all the punches out on Mom. Let's push her over the edge..HeHeHe...(this is what I envision they talk about in their room:o) I mean, it has been awhile since we have really sent her over the edge, she has not totally lost it lately...and so the evil plan was hatched and proceeded with during the rest of my Sunday. Well, it was bad, let's just leave it at that. But, with the Lord's help, I was able to keep my cool for the most part. What?, you say, I know it was a miracle straight from heaven! I made it through that entire day from Hell (I am so not kidding) and only lost it once. I was getting the older girls ready for bed and really felt the Lord telling me to talk out the day with them. I needed to make sure that we were still on the up and up, you know, make sure that our relationship had not been damaged by the one "loosing it" time. I sat down with them and we talked...I mean, really talked. We talked about how much I love them and how much the Lord loves them, and I asked for their forgiveness and they asked me to forgive them too.....it was awesome, beautiful, perfect, inspiring, emotional, healing...what else can I say...it was great! As my hubby and I walked downstairs after the final tuck-in to bed, he said the most beautiful words I have ever heard come from his precious lips... "I see a change in you. God is working in your life and I can see it."
I was speechless (hard to imagine I know). I don't think that any words could have sounded any better at that time in my world. It made me think of my Lord and how he is working the clay of my life...breaking, molding and turning that potters wheel to make me more like him. Thank you Lord, for placing me on your potter's wheel and for loving me so much that you waited until just the perfect time to start my process of molding.
Yet, O LORD, you are our Father. We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand. Isaiah 64:8

Grace Special - Today only!

2008-02-05T01:33:00.001-05:00

We have a one day special just for you today. Grace only for what you are going through right this minute. There are no future installments. This is not a payment plan. God does not work in the Rooms to Go world where you get all the grace you need up front and then pay for it starting in 2011. Ok, Ok I know that this sounds totally cooky and weird, but isn't this what we expect from the Lord. Lord, give me grace to deal with what I am worried is going to happen in five years. What I am going to do when my girls are teenagers? What if my husband looses his job? What I am going to do when I get old and can't afford that cute tummy tuck? What if my kids don't come to know you? I want you to help me with these things, Lord! Are you there Lord? God doesn't give us our year's (or even month's) ration of grace and peace right now and then expect us to dole it out where it is needed over the next 30 days. He is right there with us, walking in our daily (sometimes hourly) life. We have what we need to take the next step and that is all we are promised. I often think about a friend of mine that had her first baby, only to have him pass away after only two months. How did she deal with it? How did she make it and just get out of bed every day? She did with the Lord. He was there and he brought all the grace and peace that she needed with him. I bet she got more on that day than I did. We each get our portion. He did not give her all that grace one morning and then said, OK, there you go, you just walk through life and whenever you need it, it is there. No, He is there to envelope you in love and grace just when you need it and then (imagine this) help you give out the same grace to others when they need to be the one on the receiving end.

What emails?

2008-01-28T22:46:00.001-05:00

So, while I am at the retreat, my dad called me and I am just so excited about it. He was driving through town and wanted to see if we could get something to eat. And lucky me...I...wasn't in town?!? What the hell? I was in the mountains!
I walk into my room and see a missed call (what is with me and missing calls?) I thought that Terry had called to tell me something about the kids or to just tell me what a wonderful, beautiful woman I am (right?!). Instead was a message from Jim, my dad. I had to call him back to tell him how great it was to hear from him. While I was talking to him (he was still on the road) he asked if I had gotten any of his emails... what?...emails? Umm...No, I said. I have not seen any. He then continued to tell me about how he has emailed me a "number of times and at Christmas". I felt horrible. I mean, I know that it was not my fault, it was no ones fault, but I felt bad about it. You know the feeling that I am talking about. The one where you think...if only...(you fill in the blank). Well, that is all I could think...if only I was at home, if only I had gotten one email... if only I had mailed that note to him that I have been trying to finish for over a month now...you get the idea :o). I quickly regroup to tell him that I hated to have not gotten the emails, but that I would email him as soon as I got back in town so that he would have the right address. We laughed about it (I was laughing with my dad...Cool!) and he said that he would be in my area again in the next month or so and we would have to get together. Then, it happened... He said something that I will never forget. He said that he just could not stop thinking about me. Now that he has met me, he is just having a hard time not thinking about me and wanting to be with me. What?!? I was speechless (and crying might I add). I tried to mutter something like me too, but I am not sure if anything actually came out. He cleared his throat and then said that He needed to run and he was gone. All I could think of was...I am important to him. He wants to see me, wants to talk to me. I can't believe it. After all these years, he is reaching out to hold my hand, and guess what, I want to grab hold of it, finally!

Free!

2008-01-27T00:00:00.000-05:00

I have just returned from the Southbrook Women's retreat that was up in the NC mountains. It was a true moutain top experience for me. I went up to try and be still long enough to hear the Lord speak....and guess what, He showed up...Big Time! If you have been reading my blog, you know a little about what I have been through and what the Lord is taking me through right now. I have a hard past and a ton of pain that I have carried for a long time. Sometimes, I have even let the Lord carry it for me, but somehow (for what ever reason) I would always take it back...it was just who I was...what I was about. BUT (and that is a big BUT) the Lord chose this weekend to ask for it back. He spoke loud and clear..."IT IS TIME, Wini!" I realized that I have been defining myself by my past. Wini is...the pain, the hurt, the dissappointment, the mistakes, the sin (mine and others), the guilt, the secrets, the bad decisions...all of it...that is who I am. BUT (there it is again) the Lord said "NO! Wini that is not who you are! You need to look at yourself through my eyes. How I see you, what I want for you, what I want you to do for me!" I pleaded with the Lord to stop...I can't be those things...don't you see what I have come from...are you really looking at me? As I plead with Him to take a closer look, He only knelt down beside me and took the KEY from his pocket and gently unlocked the chains and burdens that I had been carrying for all those years. Then the soft whisper to my heart "You are Free, my love, Free!". The tears came so quickly after that and of course turned into sobs...could this be true? Am I truly free of all the pain... The last day of the retreat, they asked if there was anyone that wanted to stand and give a tesimony to what the Lord had done this weekend. Oh, Lord, I really don't want to stand up...These ladies don't need to know all my stuff. You have to, He said. So, I stood and began to share my heart and how it had been buried under years of pain and hurt and how I had defined myself by my past. The Lord had told me that it was time for this to be finished...the pain was done and I was no longer a slave to it. He is taking me on a journey and I am not sure what it is going to look like, but I know that He wants to teach me, show me who I am in HIM. What He wants from me....what He has purposed for me. Romans 3:24 was my verse for the weekend and He has given me that Freedom to be what He wants. I am not sure Who that is or what my journey is going to look like, but (there's another one) I know one thing: I am FREE!

Not so sure?

2008-01-20T01:34:00.000-05:00

Ok everyone, hold on to your seats...I finally told my mom about meeting my dad for the first time. Yes, I am still alive and well...in fact that's what is freaking me out right now. My mother, the queen of FreakOut land actually took the news really well. She did not yell, scream, cry, wail, or take small children as hostage. She was fine with it. She actually said, "Well, Wini, I knew that this was going to happen one day and I guess that today is the day."... Are you serious?...I mean, really...Are you just luring me in with sweetness dripping with understanding so that you can then hurt me with your assumptions and "advice"? I am not sure how to take this newest act of my mother. I have to say that it just doesn't follow the rest of the play that she has been playing a part in...I mean, this is a whole new stage, new writer, new director...new everything! Who is this woman? I must admit that after she left my house and I had time to think about our conversation...I questioned my own sanity. Am I losing it? Maybe she is just trying to be nice?? I cried out to the Lord...What are you doing? It is easier when she is not nice! I don't know how to file this....where does it go? Maybe in the "not so sure" file or the "BS" file or perhaps the "don't really trust" file (that one is pretty full though). Lord, I don't know how to react to this, whether to trust it or not. Lord, how do I enjoy it when you work things out for good? I'm not so sure...

Pixie Dust Prescription

2007-12-23T13:11:00.000-05:00

Is it possible that just a little pixie dust can cover a multitude of childhood issues? I am here to tell you that it can! There was such a healing of my heart while we were at Disney. I never had the chance to go on any trips with my dad, or as a family. There was no such thing as a vacation in my family. I went with my mom and step-dad and little sister when I was in my teens years (not a great time to go on your first trip to Disney) and I was not excited to be there. Of course, I have to admit that I was not excited to be anywhere with my mom and step-dad at that time in my life (and when did that change exactly? oh, never mind). All that being said, it was healing to be in a place where families are celebrated and I got to celebrate my family (surprizing, huh?). I got to spend great time with my kids and it was fun. I got to enjoy it all with Terry by my side. There are just so many bad memories from times with my family, but here I was in Disney doing it different, really having some great memories with my kids and with Terry. I was finally doing something different from my mom! It would just hit me at weird times while we were in the park....riding the Dumbo ride, twirling in the teacups, dancing with the princesses, or fighting Peter Pan....we are a real family and we are in this thing, this life together.

Distraction

2007-12-19T01:00:00.000-05:00

What a great distraction from all that I have been going through. I have to tell you that I was a little worried that I would be a little overwhelmed with being at Disney and having just met my Dad for the first time in over thirty years....figuring out how to tell my mom that I have met him, and that I like him (yikes!), and just all the other childhood stuff that I have been dealing with, BUT... it just has not been that way. The Lord has once again protected me so that I can just enjoy this time with my family and just have fun! I mean real fun! It has been so awesome! This is better than what any anti-depressant that I could take. Thank you Lord, for you know me better than any, and you know what I need!

Our View!

2007-12-17T00:53:00.000-05:00

I just had to blog about Disney World! I mean, the magic is real. We are having the time of our lives (and that's just Terry and I :o) The kids are beside themselves they are having so much fun and I have to admit, I never thought that it would be so much fun just to watch them having fun....does that make sense...oh well, you know what I mean. The picture that I am posting is the view from our hotel room...I mean we are within a five minute walk to the Magic Kingdom (which might I add definitely lives up to it's name!) I love this, I love doing this with my family. I love all of it!

2007-12-16T06:30:00.000-05:00

Christmas has come early for our family. We are off to Disney World in FL to have a grand time for a whole eight days!! I have to admit that it is a welcome break from all the stuff that I am attempting to process through. I will only have to think of whether to ride Dumbo or Peter Pan for the next eight days. I can't wait. That is the kind of burden that I live for :o) So, I will say Hi to the big Mouse for you all and see you after Christmas!

so?

2007-12-15T19:53:00.000-05:00

So, everyone wants to know......how does all this make you feel? I have come to one conclusion very quick (even for me since I am a VERY LONG processor). I have come to realize that I needed more. Well, you say, that tells me nothing! Let me explain...
I know that Christ is supposed to complete me, to fill me up, to be my sufficiency. However, I have to admit that I was yearning for more, for something else, although, had you asked me I would not have been able to place what that thing was. I have been living my life with no answer, no reason to all that pain that has come from my childhood. Why did my dad leave? Was it me, or something else? I have no idea...
I met with my dad and I have to admit, my life is different. I know that Christ is supposed to be enough, but right now, in my little piece of the world, meeting my dad was life-changing. I am a different person. I see myself in a new way. The question if I looked like him?.... do I act like him?....is he funny like me?....is he a good man?... does he know me?
Well, now I know. I know that he wanted to see me and that he tried to. I was wanted. He wanted to know me , to see pics of me. He wants a daughter, a daughter named Wini....even better.

Me and My Dad

2007-12-10T20:58:00.000-05:00

So, you know me, I had to bring my camera when I went to meet my dad. I thought you guys would love to see a pic of me and him! Do you think that we look alike? I would love to hear what you think :o)

went for a Hamburger, came out with a Crabcake

2007-12-09T20:22:00.000-05:00

I just knew that I was going to puke! I was sitting in our truck waiting for Terry to open my door so that I could enter a new chapter in the novel of my life. I was getting ready to meet my dad, Jim. Who would have thought, I mean, have you read the past few entries in my blog? This was a lost cause... The fire was out, the trail was cold....all hope was gone. And then GOD enters from stage right. All the sudden here I am getting ready to meet him. I mean, really meet him. I have to stop thinking about this or I really am going to puke! We walk into the restaurant, he is already there waiting on us. Will I know which older man he is, will I be able to pick him out of the crowd?....Do I see him? Yes, there in the back. I picked him out (that was weird) I knew it was him immediately! He looked nice and....he had a HUGE smile on his face....ok stay calm...WOW, he is really tall...oh crap I think that he is going to hug me...ok, I have let go and he is still hugging me. This is weird, but somehow comfortable and I think ...well, let's not go there yet. Jim immediately started talking about his trip down and there was no pause in the conversation after that. It was great. We talked about his life, all that he has done, the jobs that he has had, his wife, the traveling they have done, and on and on and on. He wanted to know all about the kids and why I stayed at home with them. He was interested in finding things that we had in common. I could not stop staring at him (I am sure that he thought that I was a freak) but every time I looked at him I saw some other way that I looked like him or talked like him. He told me all about his family and what it was like for him growing up. Before I knew it lunch was over and we weren't done talking. Thankfully Terry suggested walking over to Starbucks...Jim quickly agreed and we were off. We sat outside at Starbucks and talked for another two hours and as it quickly became time for us to go, I am not sure that either one of us wanted to part ways. Jim asked for my address and I wanted his too, but forgot to ask for it in all the excitement. We exchanged all our important info and hugged while we said good bye. Through misty eyes and a quick laugh, Jim (my dad:o) suggested that he did not want it to be as long before we saw each other again. I laughed, but only to hide the fact that I was getting emotional. I needed to get out of there quick. But, Jim would not have it. He had to hug me another two or three times, and then finally released me to say goodbye. It was hard for both of us, but we got in our separate trucks. As he pulled out, he waved and honked the horn for the final farewell and then, he was gone. I could still smell him on my shirt and it made me miss him already. All I could think about was one thing that he had told me. He came down here just to see me. I loved my lunch with Jim....with my dad.ok, so it wasn't the hamburger and sweet tea that I was expecting...instead it was a crab cake with ice water that sat long enough to make a ring of condensation on the tablecloth.

Are you sitting down?

2007-12-08T12:00:00.000-05:00

My dad called today. No, I am not kidding. I know, I know...your mouth is on the floor. Well, mine was too. I was in the Dr office with my son and I got a call. Well, I was talking to the nurse and did not even look to see who it was. She walked out of the room and I picked up my phone. 1 missed call it said. I hit the button and JIM clicked up..... What?! This must be wrong. My phone says that JIM called. I shut the phone and laid it down....and then it happened. BEEP...BEEP...BEEP... You guessed it, I had a voicemail. Are you serious? He left me a message?!? ok....ok...what should I do? Should I listen to it now....here in the middle of the Dr office or should I wait?...yes that is what I will do... I will wait. Oh shit, I can't wait. I want to know what he wants, or what he said. No, be realistic Wini, what if it is bad (always my first thought:O) I am not going to want that kind of news here in the middle of a Dr office. No, let's try to be an adult and just be patient.....Oh, I have never been good at this kind of thing, this waiting thing. I just don't have it.....well, not a lot of it. So, I do what needs to be done with the Dr and then get out to the truck. Here I sit, yet again, in my truck looking at my phone to answer so many of the childhood issues of my life. I click the button to listen to the voicemail. Hey Wini, this is your....I am on my....just wanted to.... No, I am not kidding. I was ready to throw this damn phone out the window and across the parking lot. Mine or His phone's signal was bad when he left the message. I could not hear one thing that he was saying.....You have got to be kidding me!! Is there ever anything in my life that is easy?? So, I decided, well, I have come this far. I might as well call him back.....now, what to say...oh, screw it...don't think about it Wini, just call him. And that is just what I did. Ring....Ring....Hello? Hey Wini, I just wanted to let you know that I am on my way into town and I just didn't know if you would have some time this weekend to get together? I almost hit the median!

Disappointment

2007-11-05T08:37:00.000-05:00

So, the weekend has come and gone and my hope has now faded. Well, not just faded, but totally disappeared! I really did not think that he was going to call.....but even if it is not what you expect, you still want it. I wanted him to call. I wanted to be important enough. I wanted to be worth it, just this one time. But, as it turns out, my gut was right. All I will ever have will be the talk in the truck. Not sure that is what I want to have to tell my kids.......Kids, your Granddad was a sweet man....he could really turn it on while talking on the phone.....What? What does he look like?...well, I have no idea. What? Where does he live?...well, I have no idea. What? Why doesn't he come to visit?.....well, I have no idea. OK, maybe that is not the right perspective, but do you blame me? I wanted my mom to be wrong. I know that she thinks that he is an a**, but I wanted him to prove her wrong. I wanted him to show that he is different, that he is a good guy, that he did want a relationship with me, that he was pushed away all those years, that he did not just walk away and never look back. But now, after giving me the talk in the truck, he has walked away again, and left me with nothing but disappointment.

Anger

2007-10-30T07:45:00.001-05:00

So, in the midst of all my "stuff", my husband is having some issues with his family. I have to say that it has been a nice distraction from all my shit, but I hate it for him. It is so hard to see someone you love hurt. Not just hurt, but hurt deeply. I just don't understand people. I don't understand anger and bitterness and how it is tied to and rooted in people. Don't you know that your anger and bitterness affect everyone around you? You are not an island! Your decisions do not just affect you, they affect everyone around you! If you are angry and bitter, get over it. Let go of it and give it to the Lord! He can take it.
I have a friend, a close friend, whose marriage is being ripped apart by anger, bitterness and envy (and underneath it all...pride). She is hurting and I have to watch it and hear it and touch it. I hate it. I hate that she is hurting and I hate that I can not help, can not change it, can not make it better. It just sucks. But, I do what I can, I talk to her, I cry with her, I pray for her.......but I also pray for her husband. I pray that he will let go of the anger and bitterness, that he will see who he really is. I pray that he will see how selfish he is being and that he will realize, not everything is about him! I pray that he will take a long hard look at what he is doing to his children. I also pray this for my in-laws. That they will let go of their anger and bitterness, that they will see who they really are (and who they are in Christ) and that they will take a long hard look at what they are doing to their family.

waiting

2007-10-28T07:14:00.000-05:00

how do you maintain daily life when you are waiting for something that you know is BIG. I don't mean waiting for a pizza to come out of the oven or waiting for the best movie in the world to come to theatres. I mean....something Big! I am waiting for my dad to call. This call will be big if and only if it happens. But, I have to admit, I really want it to happen. I want to be important to him. I don't want to have to say for the rest of my life that it was "just a honor to be nominated". I know that the phone conversation was awesome and that it was so much better than I could have ever expected, but now I find myself expecting more. Yikes! That is so scary. I don't want to expect him to call. I don't want to expect him to say "I'm here in town and I want to have that Hamburger". But I do..... and that is what I am waiting on. How do you wait? I don't do it very well. I have the tendency to only think of that one thing while I am waiting (or obsessing). I know that that is not a good thing, and yet I continue to do it.I try to imagine what he really looks like and what he would wear if we ever do get to have that Hamburger? What would he say, better yet, what would I say. Where would I meet him? What would I wear? Too bad I haven't lost those couple of pounds....would I leave my hair down....would I take Terry with me........or go it alone? OK, this is going nowhere, but see what I mean. I try to think of every senario in my head to occupy me while I am waiting.....but really I just want him to call.

The girl in the window

2007-10-22T11:58:00.001-05:00

I went and talked to my counselor today. She said something that hasn't left me. She said I need to stop being the girl in the window looking into what others want me to be and really focus on what the Lord wants for me. What He has designed me to be. I am not sure what that is, but I know what she means. I need to stop worrying about doing what others expect of me. I have always thought that I had to live up to what others expect, no matter how high those expectations are! How can one person do all that you say? My point exactly! I can not be all that my mother expects, I can not always do what my friends would like for me to, I feel like I let down my kids all the time and I certainly don't have all that it takes to be the woman of God that I see in the scriptures.....but I guess I am finally starting to come to the conclusion that this is not what the Lord expects. He just wants me to do what I can.....strive to be like Him, talk to Him on a daily (or sometimes hourly) basis, love others, do the laundry, sing with my kids, have sex with my husband, cry with my friend, be humble, etc....etc... you get the point. He just expects me, but it has to be who I am in Christ......and that is all that He wants. He doesn't want me looking in the window at what I should be. He wants me to realize that he is standing right here with me, and He wants me to strive for what He has for me, and just me!

11 years

2007-10-19T22:00:00.000-05:00

I can not believe that Terry and I have been married for 11 years. We went out for dinner tonight and all I could think about what the day that we got married. We had no money, but we were so happy! I could not stop smiling on that day. I just knew that the Lord had something wonderful in store for us. I could never have imagined that we would be here. Here in a place where we both are growing together and have changed to compliment each other even more. A place where we have four small children that keep us falling in the floor laughing and then in the next minute bring us to tears. A place where we see Jesus in each other and try to gently tell each other when we don't. I love my husband and I just can't stop thinking about where I would be without him. I am in a rough place right now with all that I am going through (my past, my dad, my therapy...enough said) and Terry has just been right there through all of it and promises that he is ready for more. My mind almost does not comprehend that, but it is true and daily I try to understand why he loves me that much.

the Hamburger

2007-10-03T20:06:00.000-05:00

When I talked to my dad, he said that he was coming to in town sometime in November. Then he asked (or did I) Do you want to get together? He said that we need to at least get together and have a hamburger.... a Hamburger? What does that mean? Is that his way of wanting to get to know me, or just lead me to think he wants to know me. A hamburger can be so many things. It can be a quick drive through Mickey D's window or a nice lunch out on a patio with homemade fries and a big glass of sweet tea. The first meaning nothing except that is all you have time for and the latter meaning you want to hang out and talk, really talk about important things over continuous refills of sweet tea. I, of course, quickly agreed that I would love to get together and he should just let me know when he was coming in town and then we could get together. I told him that I would love to meet him face to face and see how we look alike, or talk alike, or have the same smile. I would just love it (more than he would ever know!). However, now that I have totally over thought this conversation, I am beginning to doubt that he will call. I mean, he doesn't have to. He can never talk to me again and more than likely be fine with it. I mean, he has lived for 32 years or so without talking or seeing me, so what is different now? Am I different? Will it change my life if he doesn't call? Will it change my life if he does? Then I came to a conclusion: Even if I never talk to him again, this was the best that I could have ever wanted this conversation to be. I could not have dreamed it any better. The words were perfect, the way he sounded was perfect, the timing was perfect, the fact that he seemed to care was perfect, the way he called me sweetie when he said goodbye was perfect, the way he seemed to want more was perfect. What more could I want? But, guess what? I do want more. I want to him to call me. I want to meet him. I want that Hamburger!

The Next Page

2007-09-30T10:17:00.000-05:00

The following conversation that I am going to write about still does not seem real to me. I know in my head that it happened and yet, my heart still lives in disbelief. I have talked to my dad. The man that helped give life to me. He was there when I was born and there when I took my first step, there when I cried at night, there when I turned one and ate all that cake, just there... but only for a time. The last time that he saw me was when I was around 18 months old. He can recount the day like it was yesterday (yes that freaked me out a little!) He remembered a lot with me on the phone. He asked if I still had that Black curly hair and those big brown eyes. He asked if I was married and did I have any kids. and then came the big question...........Are you happy? I of course told him YES! I have a wonderful life with a husband that loves me for who I am and four unbelievable children that constantly amaze me and great friends that I love dearly and somehow seem to also love me. But, then the pause............I started to think about what I don't have. Well, never mind Jim, let's not go there. That is not what I want this phone conversation to be about. Tell me about you.....who are you? He is a simple man that loves to work and play a little golf here and there. He is married again and has been for 24 years (what?!?!?!) He thinks about me often. He said that he did not want to BS me and tell me that he thought about me all the time (and he is honest???). He told me stories of times that he has thought about me and wished that he knew where I was and that he could talk to me. He talked about how he tried to contact me and things (and people) got in the way, so he thought that was just for the best (what is the best?). He talked about how he felt when I was born and what that was like. He just sounded normal. He just wanted to catch up and see what I was like. He wanted to talk about what he was doing and then wanted me to do that same. He was calling me sweetie by the end of the conversation and that somehow did not sound weird. It was almost comfortable. I don't know how else to say it other than He just seemed easy, sweet, gentle and caring. It almost seemed to easy to talk to him. I found myself not wanting to get off the phone, not wanting the moment to end. Surely there is more to say, something else to talk about, another story to tell... and yet there had to be an end. The goodbye that I did not want to hear. The "I have to be going now and get to bed" that I was dreading.... then as quickly as the conversation started, it now ended. There I am, in the truck, alone once again. And yet, this time it was different.

A Talk in the Truck

2007-09-25T12:19:00.000-05:00

OK, picture this in your mind: I am sitting in our truck which is in our garage in the middle of the night.....boy that sounds bad doesn't it :o) I was talking on the phone and this was the only place that I could go to have this very BIG talk. I knew that if I stayed in the house that I would only pace and halfway through this conversation I would be so out of breath that I could barely talk (yes I have done this before). I am sitting in the truck and dialing the number, careful to check the number multiple times before I press the send button. Then it rings.....and then again...etc, etc. What...........No Answer??? Now, I know that the Lord did not bring me to this point with this number and then ...No Answer?? I walked into the house defeated. Terry was waiting patiently trying not to ask for fear of the worst. "No Answer." I said and the pain was in both of our faces. Yes, don't worry, just try again in a little while. That is what I am going to do...that's the plan. Well, let's just say that this happened a few more times and by nine at night, I emerged from the garage officially rejected! It was done. He did not want to answer the phone much less even talk to me. It was all a big fluke. I mean, did I really think that I was going to get to actually talk to my dad. The one and only. The dad that left me over 30 years ago, the one that hurt my mom so badly, the one that never.......... wait someone is calling me...........it's HIM! He is calling me back?????? My dad is calling me back. Wait! I'm not in the truck..I have to run to the truck and then I can answer. No! Terry says, You have to answer it now! So, I do and a whole new chapter is started in my life.....turn page.

Do I call?

2007-09-24T18:49:00.000-05:00

My Dad's old friend called me this morning. I had called him to see if he knew where my dad was. He was the only one that I knew that MAYBE knew something about my dad. He was not sure about anything but promised me that he was here to help and then quickly told me that he would make some phone calls and then get back to me. OK, let me just admit that I never in a million years thought that he was going to call me back. I just did not have a good feeling about it, SOOOOOOOooooooo when the phone rang a week later and it was him let's just say that I was shocked! Anyway, he told me that he had gotten up with my dad's twin brother (he has a brother?? and it is his TWIN brother! What?! OK, quickly regroup!) He and his wife live in Charlotte and they know just how to get up with your dad! WHAT?!? I was visibly shaken and had to sit down. You mean, they know where he is and are expecting my call today? They can't wait to talk to me and tell me how to get up with my dad? I could not get off the phone fast enough. I said my thank yous quickly so as to get off the phone as soon as possible. Randy graciously complied and then there I was with a phone number that would lead to info on my dad. I am not sure that I am ready for this. I mean, am I really prepared? OK Wini, enough excuses, just call already. I am dying here. I made the call and the person on the other line related to me by blood proceeded to tell me about my dad and where he was living and that he wanted me to call him. Oh, and here is his number .........again, I quickly went through the thank yous as I had done before, only with a little more feeling. I had to get off this phone so that I could stare at this number. Finally, goodbyes were said and then there I was... left alone, with his number....Oh Lord, help me...what should I do?

A Father's Arms

2007-09-23T11:34:00.000-05:00

So, today my mom found the pics that she has been looking for. They are of my real dad. I have now looked at them for the 500th time and I still don't think I really see who he is. I should point out that the pics are not that great,you know what I mean....they are from the 70's. They are little squares with some blurred image that I should recognize and yet.....I don't. The few that were given are small but they do show his face. It seems like a sweet and tender face, not at all like the monster that my mom portrayed him as. As I look at this pic of him holding me, he does not look uncomfortable. He is holding me in the cradle of his arm. He is looking at me, almost smiling with a gentle look in his eyes. I mean, it looks just like a pic I have of Terry holding one of our children. It looks normal.... well maybe not, it looks real. I know, I know the stories that my mom has told are awful, horrible and just painful. But,even with all that I can look at these pics from 1974 and see a Daddy. Funny isn't it, the things that change over the years. She can only remember him as evil and now I strain to see the glimpse of a Father.

God showed up!

2007-09-19T07:12:00.000-05:00

Have you ever been really needing to see the hand of God and then, BAM! He shows up? I was walking down my driveway with my mother, knowing that I need to have this very hard conversation with her, and then God was there....... or maybe what I should say is... I saw God. He has not left me, but His presence was so obvious to me as I stood there knowing this was the time to talk to my mom. This was it. God was saying "Go For It!" and I was hesitating. In that moment was when I felt the Lord beside me, He was there. His strength was there and I felt it like I never had before. So, I went for it! I told my mom that I was searching for my Bio dad and that I wanted to find him. OK, here it comes. I know just what she is going to say....OK.....any minute now. But, guess what.. There was nothing!?! What? Is this my mother? What, you are OK with the fact that I want to find my dad? What? You are glad for me to do it and you knew this time would come someday? Who the hell is this? This is not my mother, you are some alien that has taken over her body! But, I was wrong...it was not an alien...it was GOD! He was there preparing my mom for all that I was going to say. I was stunned! For the first time in my life I saw (and felt) that I was important enough for God to show up! He loves me! He wants me to find my dad and He is helping me. He is real and when we ask Him to show up...Big things happen!

Am I crazy?

2007-09-17T07:54:00.000-05:00

so, the journey is beginning
I am making the effort to try and find my bio dad. I must be crazy?!?! What am I thinking? Well, I have to know. I have to know if he thinks about me. I have to know if he every wished that he knew me....knew my kids. I just have to know. I realize that this is not going to "fix" any of my issues. I have come to terms with the fact that this is not who I am. This dad, or man, is just a part of me and my history, nothing more. Now, that can change, but right now, that is all this is.

He loves me... He loves me not?

2007-08-28T11:48:00.000-05:00

I am starting to think that I have a hard time accepting love. Well, certain expressions of love. I love getting a card and have never had a hard time receiving a gift, but what about the love that matters. You know, from the big guy upstairs. How do you accept true love...agape love from God? Is it just a switch that you turn on and then **poof** you can accept his love from any available source, or it is more than that? I have always wanted to be loved, by anyone really. I wanted to just be wanted, be loved, be cared for or about, be pursued, be longed for, be the last piece of the puzzle....to complete someone. Maybe it is just all about being worth the LOVE. I want to be worth it for God. I want Him to want me, want to love me, want to have a talk with me, want to take a walk with me, want to cry with me, want to do laundry with me, want to be intimate with me. That love, that intimacy.....that is what somehow seems unattainable. That love that I have desired my whole life and God has waiting for me, but............ It is just out of my reach. I am on my tippie toes, trying so hard to reach it on that top shelf. I am close enough to see it, but just not big enough to reach it.

First Day of School

2007-08-21T11:40:00.000-05:00

Well, I now have two girls in school and I just can not believe it!. Haven is starting the First Grade and Lauren is starting Kindergarten. They are just getting too big for me. I love it though. They both seemed a little nervous and Haven had a hard time sleeping, but they both made it there on time and seemed very excited to be there! However, Mom is a whole other story. I am sad to seem them go off to the first day of school. I am going to miss them and all that comes with them. The smiles, the laughs, the silly comments at the table during lunch, the quiet whispers of special ideas during nap time, the feeling that I feel when they tell me that they love me so, so much. I love it all and I am going to miss it...........that is until 2:30 when the school bell rings and I am once again the mother of four :o)

Burnin'

2007-07-24T19:26:00.000-05:00

These are the words to a song by Nicole Nordeman that is just right with my soul right now:

Started rubbing sticks together
I thought a spark would take forever
I never dreamt this fire would appear

When Moses saw the Bush in flames
And heard the branches speak his name
I wonder if he felt this kind of fear

'Cause I'm burnin'
Yeah, I'm burnin'
And I know I'm gonna blister in these flames
So I'll stay here
'Till this smoke clears
And I'll find you in the ashes that remain

Used to be that I could say
My faith was one arm's length away
From any flame that ever felt too warm

Asked for matches, but I received
A gallon full of gasoline
Now my cozy campfire days are gone

'Cause I'm burnin'
Yeah I'm burnin'
And I know I'm gonna blister in these flames
So I'll stay here
'Till this smoke clears
And I'll find you in the ashes that remain

'Knock with caution at the door'
They said, 'Beware of what you're praying for'

So I'll stand here with my whole desire
In the middle of this forest fire
'Till I've nothing left to show
And new life begins to grow...

'Cause I'm burnin'
Yeah, I'm burnin'
And I know I'm gonna blister in these flames
So I'll stay here
'Till this smoke clears
And I'll find you in the ashes that remain

The Plunge

2007-07-24T12:09:00.000-05:00

When I started this whole journey to be free I would have never thought that it would bring me to this place. This is so much more that I bargained for, but I am glad that the Lord has brought me here. I am standing at the edge of the cliff and the Lord is asking me to jump....but you know me, I am hesitating. I am not sure that I want all this "freedom" that He talks about. All this "grace" that He so freely gives......oh and yea, He promises to LOVE me all the time, no strings attached. What?!? But, I have to walk through this Forest Fire first. There will be pain and I know that these flames are going to blister my soul...... but the Lord promises Healing of all that, but I have to take the first step. I have to jump off the cliff into the fire. I have to be willing to get burned and have all the pain, only then will there be Freedom. Only then, will I truly experience the LOVE of God. That is the only way that I can receive it. Why has it taken me this long to get to the edge? To realize what I have been searching for? I looked for this in so many places.....in drugs, in drinking, in rebelling, in the beds of countless men.........and it was there the whole time. He was there the whole time, just waiting......waiting on me to be ready. So, here I am on this edge and I am actually thinking of jumping......am I crazy? Yes, I am but I am jumping in a fire that will free me! Jesus, hold my hand and we can jump together! I am ready!

A Hard Conversation

2007-07-23T18:27:00.000-05:00

OK, Have you ever had to have a really tough conversation with someone and you just don't want to do it?
Well, I have to have one of these conversations with my mom and I just don't want to do it. I have to talk to her about some pretty tough stuff and I know that she is going to be hurt and get angry and all the other "common signs" that she feels threatened by what I have to talk to her about. I have to admit that I am fearful to have this conversation with her. I am afraid of what she is going to say back to me. I am afraid of how it is going to make her feel. I am afraid that she will take everything I say VERY personally. I am afraid that she is going to react badly and that it will DRASTICALLY affect our relationship......however surface it is. I am afraid! Now, my counsel would tell me that I am not responsible for how she reacts, I am just responsible for my side of the relationship and how I deal with it. Well, that is a ton of comfort...no really, it is. Ok, maybe not so much, but it is the truth and that is all that I have to stand on. This is the reality : I am not responsible for how she feels and what she takes away from this conversation. I can only speak the truth and be honest with her. Why is that so hard for me? Or should I say, Why is that so hard for me with my mom? I need to be honest with her about how angry I am with her. I have to tell her....I am ANGRY with you! You have HURT me! You have LIED to me! I feel BETRAYED by you! Yeah, sure....I can do that?!? Oh Jesus, help me, I am so afraid!

Cut at the Knees

2007-07-19T23:57:00.000-05:00

Have you ever been in a conversation with someone and then you get the signal? You know what I am talking about, the signal. The signal that they DO NOT want to talk about the subject that you are asking about. Has it ever happened to you with someone that you really love and care about? You know, when you are asking a really tough question, but you are trying really hard to do it in love and with understanding and compassion, but you are just cut at the knees.......left cold in the wind......stopped right in your tracks. That happened to me today. I am sad. I want to be so real, so deep with this person, but they are just not there and it hurts my heart. I am not sure what to do, but love them where they are. But, is that it? I want to do more, be proactive, make the hard decisions...................and yet, I know that the Lord is just saying .....Love her like I do! Help!

What file?

2007-07-18T15:58:00.000-05:00

I found out some info on my Bio Dad today and I am not sure how to file it in my head. I mean, do you file it under the dad that left, or how about the man I never knew. What about the guy that I wished that I could call dad, or maybe the one that was never there. I could put him in an old file like People I want to meet, or The ones that I could spend hours asking questions to, or what about the great old file of Family I would love to meet
OK, so even if I did know what file I want to put it in, I still have no idea how I feel about any of the info that I received. Does it make me want to see him, or find him I should say. Or does it make me even more angry at him than I was to begin with. A year ago (pre-couseling) I would have said that I have NO desire to meet him or see him or even know where he is. But now............ well, now I have no idea what I think or how I feel. I am NOT USED to feeling this way. What do I do with this? It is like my head and my heart have no idea where to put this? ...does not compute....does not compute....

A New Perspective

2007-07-14T22:30:00.000-05:00

Have you ever always looked at something in one way. I mean, like your whole life, which in my case is over 30 years. I have always thought one way about this pretty big person from my past and now thanks to my counselor, I have a totally new perspective????? What do I do with that? I now have no idea how to even feel about this person? I mean, how do you change how you feel about someone, when you have been feeling that way for 30+ years? I do not even know where to begin. This person is not even in my life right now, but if I change the way that I think about them, they could be? Do I even want that, or want to even think about it? I think that I always considered myself to be pretty open to change, but now am I? Am I a person that is willing to change her perspective? I want to be. I want the Lord or the Truth to be able to change how I see something or someone. I want to be that. Lord, please help me to know how to look at this person the right way.....now after 30 years of doing it the wrong way.

Trip to the Land of 10,000 Lakes

2007-07-13T17:52:00.000-05:00

So, they say that there are 10,000 lakes in Minn. I have to say that I believe them. I flew up there this past week to visit the best Canadian that I know and that is my friend and fellow Christ follower, Paula Taylor. Love her so much that there are just not words! It has been over a year since I have seen her and we were WAY OVERDUE for a visit. We did all the great Wini-Paula things......went to eat, shopped a little, went to eat again, she showed me IKEA (the new mother ship), then we ate again, we talked and cried together, then we ate again. This was just repeated every day that I was there (except for Sunday in which Worshipping the Lord would be inserted in between the eat and the shop :o) I mean, it just does not get any better :o) I love Paula and I am blessed to have her for a friend. There are pics coming soon!

Going to the Farm!

2007-06-27T14:58:00.002-05:00

We just got back from our annual trip to Alabama to see Terry's Cousins! It was awesome! They live in the middle of nowhere on farm land in the Southeast corner of Alabama. We all love going there since we can get away from just about everything, meaning the computer, the TV, the internet and all that stuff! The kids love seeing all the animals and getting to play with all their cousins, which they only get to see during this trip! Terry and I love catching up with family and just escaping our reality of city life for awhile. Although, I have to say that I did miss my email and the Drudge Report. All in all, the visit was quite a success and Terry enjoyed his first time going with us! A big shout out and Thank You to all the Murphy family in AL....We love you guys!

Trip to Atlanta

2007-06-27T14:58:00.001-05:00

We spent the weekend in Atlanta and it was awesome! We were on our way to Alabama and we decided to break up the trip and make a stop in Atlanta. We are so glad that we did! The kids loved Downtown and the Olympic Centennial Park. There is so much to see there that we are going to have to go back. We spent a lot of time just looking around and of course had to stop and eat and have ice cream! It ended up being a great Father's Day Treat for all of us!

Summer is Here!!

2007-06-10T19:54:00.000-05:00

We are really enjoying school being out and just having fun all day and every day. We recently joined a pool and the kids have had so much fun going and playing in the water. Haven is really getting good at swimming across the pool and Lauren is getting there. Camden and Ashton are just enjoying the kiddie waterpark with the slides and fountains. I am just trying to soak it all it :o)

Boundaries

2007-06-07T14:37:00.000-05:00

I am reading this book called "Boundaries" and it has brought a lot things to mind, like my entire life, as in without any boundaries. Not sure how I grew up without ever learning this, but I did. I am reading this book with shock on my face most of the time. It is explaining a lot of how my unhealthy relationships have developed that way because of my lack of boundaries. I let people manipulate me. Oh, for sure, if you met me in person you would never think that this is true. However, I am here to tell you that it is. I have a hard time saying No, or I don't think that is Right, or whatever you want to fill in that blank with. I somehow equate LOVE with saying YES. and I equate being UNLOVED or NOT LOVING with saying NO. Yes, I know that this sounds screwed up, but this is how I have lived the first 32 years of my life. All my childhood wounds (and teenage years wounds) have conditioned me to think this way. I am coming to terms with the fact that this single belief that I hold to has impacted me in so many ways........and in ways that I still have yet to see. That is scary! How do I change that about me? How do I, after 32 years of living this way, all the sudden just CHANGE? And that leads me to think....What was the Lord doing with me all these years. I know that He saw me while all this wounding was happening. I know that He was with me during all the pain. I know that He carried me when I could no longer put one foot in front of the other. I know all this, BUT why did He let it ever get that far?

Soccer Camp

2007-06-07T09:56:00.001-05:00

Haven is in soccer camp this week and she is having so much fun! Two of her friends, Ragan and Savannah, went to camp with her. She is not sure if Soccer is the one sport that she wants to play in the fall, but she really liked the camp....and her camp coach, Coach Heidi!

Who am I?

2007-06-07T09:47:00.000-05:00

As I walk through this journey of healing, I am starting to realize that this is more of a journey to find out who I am. Who did the Lord truly desire for me to be.....you know in the beginning, before all the crap, all the pain, all the hurt, and the baggage. I have seen a glimpse of the real me and not who others expect for me to be or act. It is both exciting and scary to realize this at the age of 32. Not sure what I am going to do with that, but I am on this journey for the long haul and God and me, we are going to figure this thing out!

Dinner Party

2007-05-21T08:05:00.000-05:00

I love throwing parties! I love it when one of my friends is having a baby or some other major life event and I get the chance to throw a party. I love figureing out the menu and working on the guest list and makeing the invitation. I love it all! Thank you to all my friends that let me shower them with parties! I love it!

Healing

2007-05-10T12:27:00.000-05:00

I am ready Lord!
Ready to do what you have asked me to do. Ready to heal from all the past hurts and pain. Ready to walk in the freedom that you have designed for me to walk in. Ready to walk in the perfect law that gives freedom (james 1).I know that you have waited for me here and you are ready to take all this burden, all this pain, all this regret and all this sin. You are ready to take it and make it as far from me as the east is from the west. I know that you can do it and now I am saying:
I am ready!

Assault on the Family

2007-05-09T09:11:00.001-05:00

Over the past year, I have known seven families that have been torn apart. They have been destroyed either through adultery or just plain selfishness. I can not help but think about my own family when forced to deal with these situations in different ways. How can we protect our families from this world, our culture, and from evil itself? In the modern Christian culture of current day churches, women are given the "inspired" checklist to live their life by in order to prevent their husbands from being tempted to stray......it is somehow our jobs as wives to check off the list in order to protect our husbands from their sin. How is this possible? better yet how is this biblical? If we have sex with our husbands every other day, cook him a nice dinner, keep the house clean and straight and provide him with 2.5 children then the equation should equal 1 happy marriage...... If the Christian culture in our churches has it right then why is the divorce rate higher in the church than it is outside of it? We are the ones that have all the books and the conferences and all the right things to say and to do, but we can not keep our families together...

Pain

2007-04-24T10:23:00.000-05:00

There is always pain with sin and it's consequences. I am just curious....when does that pain stop? Is there ever a time that the Lord takes it away? If not, then why? As I continue to experience pain from past sins....I have ask when will it not hurt? When will the healing be complete?

Mercy

2007-04-19T11:00:00.000-05:00

The prophet Micah lived during a dark time. The children of Israel were following false idols and even sacrificing their children to them. They were doing all of this during the reign of King Ahaz. This was when the Lord spoke through Micah to tell them of the judgement that was coming. Some wanted to turn from their evil ways and follow God. They pleaded with Micah to tell them how to win God's favor once again. The Lord had one answer:

Micah 6:8 (NIV) He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.

To act Justly
To love Mercy
To walk humbly with your God

How do I do that? I have been thinking about this a lot. Justice, Mercy and Humility are BIG things with the Lord. Do I have a sense of justice for all the atrocities that happen to the poor, the hungry that have no food, the women that are sold, the children that are dying of AIDS? Does my heart jump to help and have compassion for the widow in assisted living with no one? Do I cry when I see the orphans that desperately want to be loved?
Do I want to show the mercy that the Lord has shown me? The mercy that He showed when he took my sins from me and took them upon Himself so that I may have a HOPE beyond this world. Am I willing? Willing to go the AIDS patients and tell them that there is someone that cares and that loves them. Willing to go to the addicts and tell them that there is a HOPE that is beyond all hope and can help them. Willing to talk to the stripper that is just trying to feed her children. Willing to talk to the Illegal that is just trying to make a better life for their family....and their children's family ... and their children's children's family.
And where does the humility fit into all this? Or does it even work at all without the humility. How good do I think that I am? I can not even imagine being able to get off the floor when I am face to face with the MOST HIGH GOD one day. And yet, we are to be like HIM. Treat others as He would treat them. Which is what? to serve them. We are to serve the ones that need him the most. Serve them with Love and show them the mercy of GOD.
Now, can God do all these things without us??????
The answer is yes, BUT I sure don't want to miss it!

Why?

2007-04-18T21:14:00.000-05:00

All I can think about is the tragedy that has taken place at Virginia Tech. I was talking with some of my friends and they are all saying "How can GOD let this happen?" Can we really answer this question? In the book "When Bad things Happen to Good People" the author Harold S. Kushner says:

God does not cause our misfortunes. Some are caused by bad luck, some are caused by bad people, and some are simply an inevitable consequence of our being human and being mortal, living in a world of inflexible natural laws.

The painful things that happen to us are not punishments for our misbehavior, nor are they in any way part of some grand design on God's part. Because the tragedy is not God's will, we need not feel hurt or betrayed by God when tragedy strikes. We can turn to Him for help in overcoming it, precisely because we can tell ourselves that God is as outraged by it as we are.

I can only imagine how much God is hurting with the families of the VT victims now. Are we as Christ Followers showing the same love to them as He would?

HE IS RISEN!

2007-04-16T07:11:00.000-05:00

Easter is a time of Celebration in our home! We had a wonderful Church service on Easter morning even though it was less that 30 degrees outside! Thank the Lord that it warmed up outside during church and was warm enough to get a few pics of the kids before we went to lunch. I am constantly overwhlemed at how fast the kids are growing up. It forces me to realize how quickly my time with them will pass and too soon they will be on their own. Yikes!

Falling Apart

2007-04-09T08:59:00.000-05:00

Our Oldest, Haven, just lost her two front teeth! Too Cute! She actually pulled them out herself...unbelievable! She is so much braver that what I was at her age! She looks so much older for some reason. I'm not ready!

Beauty

2007-04-05T09:09:00.000-05:00

Why is it that we think that the way that we look on the outside tells people what kind of person we are on the inside? What does our hair color or the size of our jeans tell someone about our character or our integrity?? I know that this comes from the world that we live in since I can find nothing in the bible that tells me this is true! How do we live in this culture obsessed with beauty (whatever they think that is) and apperence without allowing it to affect our heart? our inner being? our soul?

Perception

2007-04-02T22:51:00.001-05:00