Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Anger

So, in the midst of all my "stuff", my husband is having some issues with his family. I have to say that it has been a nice distraction from all my shit, but I hate it for him. It is so hard to see someone you love hurt. Not just hurt, but hurt deeply. I just don't understand people. I don't understand anger and bitterness and how it is tied to and rooted in people. Don't you know that your anger and bitterness affect everyone around you? You are not an island! Your decisions do not just affect you, they affect everyone around you! If you are angry and bitter, get over it. Let go of it and give it to the Lord! He can take it.
I have a friend, a close friend, whose marriage is being ripped apart by anger, bitterness and envy (and underneath it all...pride). She is hurting and I have to watch it and hear it and touch it. I hate it. I hate that she is hurting and I hate that I can not help, can not change it, can not make it better. It just sucks. But, I do what I can, I talk to her, I cry with her, I pray for her.......but I also pray for her husband. I pray that he will let go of the anger and bitterness, that he will see who he really is. I pray that he will see how selfish he is being and that he will realize, not everything is about him! I pray that he will take a long hard look at what he is doing to his children. I also pray this for my in-laws. That they will let go of their anger and bitterness, that they will see who they really are (and who they are in Christ) and that they will take a long hard look at what they are doing to their family.

Sunday, October 28, 2007

waiting


how do you maintain daily life when you are waiting for something that you know is BIG. I don't mean waiting for a pizza to come out of the oven or waiting for the best movie in the world to come to theatres. I mean....something Big! I am waiting for my dad to call. This call will be big if and only if it happens. But, I have to admit, I really want it to happen. I want to be important to him. I don't want to have to say for the rest of my life that it was "just a honor to be nominated". I know that the phone conversation was awesome and that it was so much better than I could have ever expected, but now I find myself expecting more. Yikes! That is so scary. I don't want to expect him to call. I don't want to expect him to say "I'm here in town and I want to have that Hamburger". But I do..... and that is what I am waiting on. How do you wait? I don't do it very well. I have the tendency to only think of that one thing while I am waiting (or obsessing). I know that that is not a good thing, and yet I continue to do it.I try to imagine what he really looks like and what he would wear if we ever do get to have that Hamburger? What would he say, better yet, what would I say. Where would I meet him? What would I wear? Too bad I haven't lost those couple of pounds....would I leave my hair down....would I take Terry with me........or go it alone? OK, this is going nowhere, but see what I mean. I try to think of every senario in my head to occupy me while I am waiting.....but really I just want him to call.

Monday, October 22, 2007

The girl in the window


I went and talked to my counselor today. She said something that hasn't left me. She said I need to stop being the girl in the window looking into what others want me to be and really focus on what the Lord wants for me. What He has designed me to be. I am not sure what that is, but I know what she means. I need to stop worrying about doing what others expect of me. I have always thought that I had to live up to what others expect, no matter how high those expectations are! How can one person do all that you say? My point exactly! I can not be all that my mother expects, I can not always do what my friends would like for me to, I feel like I let down my kids all the time and I certainly don't have all that it takes to be the woman of God that I see in the scriptures.....but I guess I am finally starting to come to the conclusion that this is not what the Lord expects. He just wants me to do what I can.....strive to be like Him, talk to Him on a daily (or sometimes hourly) basis, love others, do the laundry, sing with my kids, have sex with my husband, cry with my friend, be humble, etc....etc... you get the point. He just expects me, but it has to be who I am in Christ......and that is all that He wants. He doesn't want me looking in the window at what I should be. He wants me to realize that he is standing right here with me, and He wants me to strive for what He has for me, and just me!

Friday, October 19, 2007

11 years


I can not believe that Terry and I have been married for 11 years. We went out for dinner tonight and all I could think about what the day that we got married. We had no money, but we were so happy! I could not stop smiling on that day. I just knew that the Lord had something wonderful in store for us. I could never have imagined that we would be here. Here in a place where we both are growing together and have changed to compliment each other even more. A place where we have four small children that keep us falling in the floor laughing and then in the next minute bring us to tears. A place where we see Jesus in each other and try to gently tell each other when we don't. I love my husband and I just can't stop thinking about where I would be without him. I am in a rough place right now with all that I am going through (my past, my dad, my therapy...enough said) and Terry has just been right there through all of it and promises that he is ready for more. My mind almost does not comprehend that, but it is true and daily I try to understand why he loves me that much.

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

the Hamburger


When I talked to my dad, he said that he was coming to in town sometime in November. Then he asked (or did I) Do you want to get together? He said that we need to at least get together and have a hamburger.... a Hamburger? What does that mean? Is that his way of wanting to get to know me, or just lead me to think he wants to know me. A hamburger can be so many things. It can be a quick drive through Mickey D's window or a nice lunch out on a patio with homemade fries and a big glass of sweet tea. The first meaning nothing except that is all you have time for and the latter meaning you want to hang out and talk, really talk about important things over continuous refills of sweet tea. I, of course, quickly agreed that I would love to get together and he should just let me know when he was coming in town and then we could get together. I told him that I would love to meet him face to face and see how we look alike, or talk alike, or have the same smile. I would just love it (more than he would ever know!). However, now that I have totally over thought this conversation, I am beginning to doubt that he will call. I mean, he doesn't have to. He can never talk to me again and more than likely be fine with it. I mean, he has lived for 32 years or so without talking or seeing me, so what is different now? Am I different? Will it change my life if he doesn't call? Will it change my life if he does? Then I came to a conclusion: Even if I never talk to him again, this was the best that I could have ever wanted this conversation to be. I could not have dreamed it any better. The words were perfect, the way he sounded was perfect, the timing was perfect, the fact that he seemed to care was perfect, the way he called me sweetie when he said goodbye was perfect, the way he seemed to want more was perfect. What more could I want? But, guess what? I do want more. I want to him to call me. I want to meet him. I want that Hamburger!