He loves me... He loves me not?

I am starting to think that I have a hard time accepting love. Well, certain expressions of love. I love getting a card and have never had a hard time receiving a gift, but what about the love that matters. You know, from the big guy upstairs. How do you accept true love...agape love from God? Is it just a switch that you turn on and then **poof** you can accept his love from any available source, or it is more than that? I have always wanted to be loved, by anyone really. I wanted to just be wanted, be loved, be cared for or about, be pursued, be longed for, be the last piece of the puzzle....to complete someone. Maybe it is just all about being worth the LOVE. I want to be worth it for God. I want Him to want me, want to love me, want to have a talk with me, want to take a walk with me, want to cry with me, want to do laundry with me, want to be intimate with me. That love, that intimacy.....that is what somehow seems unattainable. That love that I have desired my whole life and God has waiting for me, but............ It is just out of my reach. I am on my tippie toes, trying so hard to reach it on that top shelf. I am close enough to see it, but just not big enough to reach it.

First Day of School

Well, I now have two girls in school and I just can not believe it!. Haven is starting the First Grade and Lauren is starting Kindergarten. They are just getting too big for me. I love it though. They both seemed a little nervous and Haven had a hard time sleeping, but they both made it there on time and seemed very excited to be there! However, Mom is a whole other story. I am sad to seem them go off to the first day of school. I am going to miss them and all that comes with them. The smiles, the laughs, the silly comments at the table during lunch, the quiet whispers of special ideas during nap time, the feeling that I feel when they tell me that they love me so, so much. I love it all and I am going to miss it...........that is until 2:30 when the school bell rings and I am once again the mother of four :o)